Homeownership: not all it’s cracked up to be

As previously mentioned, we’ve upgraded from renters to homeowners. It seemed like a good idea and, you know, everybody’s doing it.

Here’s the thing. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. There are a lot of things they don’t tell you when you’re signing those papers and handing over your first born. (Kidding, guys. My dog is fine.)

Number one: your garage isn’t your garage.
One of the “non-negotiables” during our house hunt (more on that later) was a garage. We’d been living at an apartment complex with a garage so we’d grown accustomed to covered parking and all that Jazz. However, what your realtor, title company, mom and dad, the man upstairs, etc. will fail to tell you is that you will have so much CRAP stored in there – the bikes you bought because you moved to the suburbs, mulch and weed killer because, oh yeah, you have a yard now – the boxes you failed to unpack because, well, who cares?

Number two: the non-negotiables
Finding a house that met all of our wants was impossible because, well, we aren’t millionaires yet. But our needs were pretty much met. We needed two bathrooms – don’t judge me –  YOU try living in literally 700 square feet with one bathroom and a man who eats 12 times a day, and let me know how it goes. We also needed a decent sized backyard – again – YOU try living in a 5th floor apartment with a tiny dog with a bladder the size of a lima bean and also a fiancé who brings home stray dogs for fun. The garage mentioned above was also on my list – eyeroll. And I really wanted an open-concept home so that I could yell at David from the kitchen to pick up his socks in the living room. This is what dreams are made of y’all. Most of these “needs” came back to bite me but whatever.

Number three: the yard
The funny thing about grass is that when it rains, it grows. We didn’t have a lawn mower because our hardwood floors at the apartment – oddly enough – didn’t grow any grass. Luckily for us, my grandpa owns a landscaping company – Hercules Lawncare (shameless plug, let me know if you want his info) and he was able to add us to his weekly route.

Number four: the utilities
Wouldn’t you know that it is significantly less expensive to heat and cool a brand new (tiny but well-insulated) apartment than it is to heat and cool a still-kind-of-small, much-older, two story house? If y’all could see David’s panic when we got our first electricity bill for our “open concept, natural lighting,” house, you would’ve died. The man went out and bought black out curtains and firewood and basically anything else that can protect us from the sun and/or wind. We live in a dungeon now, it’s fabulous.

My point is this, we love being homeowners – or, uh – living in a house. It’s the “being homeowners” part that caught us by surprise. Regardless, it’s bragging rights. We did it! We have a mortgage and we are slaves to the bank now – JK guys it’s not that bad. Plus our apartment rent was higher than our mortgage, so there’s that. More space for less money.

P.S. For anyone who doesn’t know, my fiancé (who gets to be the butt of a lot of my jokes and stories on here) David is a cooler, even funnier version of Chip Gaines and he did basically gut and re-do our entire home (I don’t recommend anyone living in a house while it’s being remodeled but that’s beside the point). Click here to see before & after pics of our house and Click here to see more of his work, or contact him!

Stop Asking Me When I’m Gonna Have Kids

Seriously, stop. It’s annoying. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want them? Maybe I’m not trying to get knocked up?

Hello, I’m 21 years old, what the hell do I need a kid for? Continue reading

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Ways

I like talking relationships. I really wanted to write something that could help people better their relationships. This blog started out as a kind of “how-to” on making relationships last. But I quickly realized that this is not my area of expertise. My area of expertise actually happens to be the opposite. Some of this is knowledge from personal experience and some of it is stuff I’ve heard from my girlfriends. So here it is, ladies and gentlemen. How to lose a guy in 10 ways.

  1. Stalk. Snoop. This is number one for a reason. Going through your guy’s phone or emails or whatever is going to end in one of two ways:Capture

One, you’re going to find something you don’t like. Maybe you’ll find out that he’s been cheating on you or that he’s been lying about where he is because he doesn’t want you to get mad, which you will. You’ll find SOMETHING. I can almost guarantee it.

Two, he’ll catch you in the act. That’s right, your guy is gonna wake up while you’re creeping through his Facebook messages and deleting numbers of girls you don’t like -AND HE’S GONNA FLIP SHIT.  Don’t do it. If you feel like you need to go through his messages, why are you even dating the guy?

  1. Not be domestic. This is so sad and I wish it weren’t even a thing. But unfortunately men want their women to cook and clean.. most do, anyway. Trust me, I’m far from domestic. I hate cleaning and I can only make tacos and spaghetti. I only recently mastered the art of breakfast tacos. I’m 21 and I still rely on my mom to cook for me. I’ll probably be single forever. Some women luck out though. My grandma did. My grandpa does these things for her. I know, right? A man who cooks and cleans? Where can I get one?…
  1. Dislike his mother. This is especially true in Hispanic men. For some reason these guys are total mama’s boys and just can’t seem to let go. They trust their mother’s judgment. So if you’re intimidated when you meet a guy’s mom… YOU SHOULD BE. Kiss ass, but be discreet. And don’t be too lovey dovey with your beau in front of her. He might not care, but she probably does. Depending on how serious you guys are, his mom’s opinion might matter more than yours.
  1. Get too close too fast. Guys are weird in this way. They freak out at the slightest hint of an actual relationship. If he comes home from work and you’re already there hanging out with his sister, it might make him a little nervous. Be careful around his friends, for a different reason. In my experience, a guy doesn’t care for you to hang out with his friends without him. It kinda breaks some sort of guy code.
  1. Call/text constantly. I’m guilty of this, but I’m working on it. Who am I kidding? No I’m not. But really. It’s not attractive to blow up your guy’s phone. It makes you seem needy and dependent. Do your own thing, hang out with girlfriends. It’ll make him appreciate his time with you.
  1. Play hard to get. This is the opposite of #5. While guys might not want you to be too available to him, he also probably won’t appreciate you purposely ignoring him and making him feel unimportant. Don’t play games! If you like him let it be known! Just don’t throw yourself at him.
  1. Be jealous. This goes both ways. No one wants a boyfriend or girlfriend who is overly jealous. A little jealous is ok. It’s healthy. It means you care. But don’t question him about a girl who followed him on Instagram or show up to his job to check on him because you hate that pretty girl he works with. It makes you seem crazy. And maybe you are, but no one has to know that.
  1. Let yourself go. For all things superficial and shallow, don’t let yourself go. He’s probably not gonna dump you and say “It’s because you got fat.” But he might lose interest and say “I’m just not feeling it anymore.” And it may or may not be because you quit wearing makeup and started wearing sweats.
  1. Compare him. This is so huge. I should move it to #2 but I’m too lazy. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES compare him to your ex.. or anyone else, for that matter. It’s insulting. Don’t be paranoid because your last boyfriend cheated on you. It’s not his fault. Let it go. If you’re still not over it, maybe you’re not ready to date just yet. No one wants to be held accountable for someone else’s wrong doing.
  1. Be a diva. He’s a boyfriend not an ATM. Don’t set your expectations too high when it comes to gifts and dates. Unless you’re dating Bill Gates or Warren Buffet, be considerate. And ladies, it’s OK to pick up the tab every once in a while. He’ll appreciate when you do, unless he’s one of those super old fashioned guys who insist on paying every time. In which case, I’d probably let him.

That’s all I got. There’s a ton of other ways to lose a guy, I’m sure of it. But it was actually hard for me to come up with these 10. I really wanted ten, because, well. If you clicked on this link, you know why.