Don’t do these 10 things during your wedding toast

As many of you know, David and I are planning our wedding (and when I say “David and I,” I mean “I.” Continue reading

Homeownership: not all it’s cracked up to be

As previously mentioned, we’ve upgraded from renters to homeowners. It seemed like a good idea and, you know, everybody’s doing it.

Here’s the thing. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. There are a lot of things they don’t tell you when you’re signing those papers and handing over your first born. (Kidding, guys. My dog is fine.)

Number one: your garage isn’t your garage.
One of the “non-negotiables” during our house hunt (more on that later) was a garage. We’d been living at an apartment complex with a garage so we’d grown accustomed to covered parking and all that Jazz. However, what your realtor, title company, mom and dad, the man upstairs, etc. will fail to tell you is that you will have so much CRAP stored in there – the bikes you bought because you moved to the suburbs, mulch and weed killer because, oh yeah, you have a yard now – the boxes you failed to unpack because, well, who cares?

Number two: the non-negotiables
Finding a house that met all of our wants was impossible because, well, we aren’t millionaires yet. But our needs were pretty much met. We needed two bathrooms – don’t judge me –  YOU try living in literally 700 square feet with one bathroom and a man who eats 12 times a day, and let me know how it goes. We also needed a decent sized backyard – again – YOU try living in a 5th floor apartment with a tiny dog with a bladder the size of a lima bean and also a fiancé who brings home stray dogs for fun. The garage mentioned above was also on my list – eyeroll. And I really wanted an open-concept home so that I could yell at David from the kitchen to pick up his socks in the living room. This is what dreams are made of y’all. Most of these “needs” came back to bite me but whatever.

Number three: the yard
The funny thing about grass is that when it rains, it grows. We didn’t have a lawn mower because our hardwood floors at the apartment – oddly enough – didn’t grow any grass. Luckily for us, my grandpa owns a landscaping company – Hercules Lawncare (shameless plug, let me know if you want his info) and he was able to add us to his weekly route.

Number four: the utilities
Wouldn’t you know that it is significantly less expensive to heat and cool a brand new (tiny but well-insulated) apartment than it is to heat and cool a still-kind-of-small, much-older, two story house? If y’all could see David’s panic when we got our first electricity bill for our “open concept, natural lighting,” house, you would’ve died. The man went out and bought black out curtains and firewood and basically anything else that can protect us from the sun and/or wind. We live in a dungeon now, it’s fabulous.

My point is this, we love being homeowners – or, uh – living in a house. It’s the “being homeowners” part that caught us by surprise. Regardless, it’s bragging rights. We did it! We have a mortgage and we are slaves to the bank now – JK guys it’s not that bad. Plus our apartment rent was higher than our mortgage, so there’s that. More space for less money.

P.S. For anyone who doesn’t know, my fiancé (who gets to be the butt of a lot of my jokes and stories on here) David is a cooler, even funnier version of Chip Gaines and he did basically gut and re-do our entire home (I don’t recommend anyone living in a house while it’s being remodeled but that’s beside the point). Click here to see before & after pics of our house and Click here to see more of his work, or contact him!

Proposals, engagements, and all that other stuff

If you’re reading this, you’re extremely loyal, seeing as I’ve basically fallen off the face of the Earth, in terms of blogging.

I’m back – for the moment – only because I have a kind of (in my opinion) important topic of discussion.

The last time I wrote about my relationship, we were barely moving in together. I was washing clothes with fabric softener and spilling wine on pastel couches. Fast forward about 15 months – I use laundry detergent now but I’m still spilling wine on couches (we got a dark one so he’ll never know unless someone sends him this – in which case I’m not going home tonight) We’ve upgraded from renters to homeowners, and…. we’re ENGAGED!!!! Cue the champagne and fireworks!!!

Anyone who knows us WELL (separately or as a couple) knows that I had been dropping hints for awhile. Before you all start throwing virtual tomatoes at me, let me explain myself (or try).

When we first moved in together, I immediately noticed something. Any time we met new people and they realized we lived together, they’d ask, “Are y’all married?” And the exchange would go kind of like this:




“Oh. Just living together?


“But that’s where it’s headed, right?”

“I’m not sure… but thanks for making this uncomfortable for both of us, stranger.”

It was like, an expectation. If we were living together, it was obviously headed there. The only question was, when? When I first posted about my mistake using fabric softener, someone commented, “You’ll figure it out. I did. You’ll have a ring in no time!” Like it was supposed to be some sort of quest or thing I earned. I knew we’d get there, but I wasn’t pressuring him – yet.

Then the worst thing imaginable happened. Every last one of my friends/sisters/cousins all got married/engaged/pregnant in the same season. It was fine at first, I was happy for the first proposal – even though she had been dating her guy for way less time than me. I was even a little happy for the second one – even though I was a teensy bit envious. Then my little sister got engaged. I turned into this green-eyed monster. Literally December through May, I was miserable. I actually cried tears when my BOTH of my little sisters got engaged and I think only about half of them were happy tears.

I just wanted it to be my turn.

And my time came. And apparently he had purchased a ring months in advance and all that time I had been making snarky comments about dying alone. There’s a picture at the top of this post – me and my sisters flashing our rings and I don’t know if I’m crying because I finally got to join their club or because I’m engaged.

Regardless – my point is this. Don’t rush it. And don’t try to “keep up with the joneses” or however that saying goes. He could be waiting for the perfect time – so as not to interfere with your sister’s wedding, or your other sister’s baby shower. Or he could not be in a position, financially, to do that. And if you’re anything like me, you’ll say “I don’t need a big fancy ring, I will take anything! I just want the commitment.” But let’s be honest, that’s not true. If the man wants to give you a big, gorgeous rock. Who are you to stop him? 😌

Something else to consider – he might not be there, emotionally, in which case, the LAST thing you want to do is turn into this raging, psycho, wanna-be fiancee.

I let everyone get to me. I let the questions from strangers and the announcement videos on Facebook really get to me. And I know it got to him. We witnessed so many proposals and marriages and one by one, the eyes started turning to us… We were supposed to be next, right?

Let the relationship move at it’s own pace. We took awhile to get engaged and we’re taking our time planning a wedding. And to my grandma who keeps asking when we’re having kids – 40 is the new 30.

Most Anticipated Reads of 2018

So, I think if I make a list, I’m more likely to hold myself accountable. Maybe this will make me read more and stop binge watching Friends and The Office. Here are a few of my most anticipated reads this year. (These aren’t all new releases. They’re MY most anticipated reads. So what if I haven’t gotten around to reading a book that was written in 2009?)

Screen Shot 2018-01-16 at 2.04.44 PMThe Rooster Bar by John Grisham

It’s by John Grisham so you should just trust it, honestly. But here’s the synopsis anyway:

“Mark, Todd, and Zola came to law school to change the world, to make it a better place. But now, as third-year students, these close friends realize they have been duped. They all borrowed heavily to attend a third-tier, for-profit law school so mediocre that its graduates rarely pass the bar exam, let alone get good jobs. And when they learn that their school is one of a chain owned by a shady New York hedge-fund operator who also happens to own a bank specializing in student loans, the three know they have been caught up in The Great Law School Scam.

But maybe there’s a way out. Maybe there’s a way to escape their crushing debt, expose the bank and the scam, and make a few bucks in the process. But to do so, they would first have to quit school. And leaving law school a few short months before graduation would be completely crazy, right?  Well, yes and no . . .” 

I can’t wait to read this one.

Screen Shot 2018-01-16 at 2.10.03 PMAlmost Gone: Twenty-Five Days and One Chance to Save Our Daughter by John Baldwin, Mackenzie Baldwin and Stephanie Baldwin

That’s right… A * GASP * nonfiction book. Did y’all hear about the Plano teen that met a man on the Internet, fell in love, got a passport and saved $5,000 to fly to Kosovo to marry him? P.S. According to Wikipedia (a very reliable source) Kosovo is a major destination territory for human trafficking. They force girls into prostitution and harvest their organs. Seriously.

Anyway, her parents caught wind of it and had to literally get the FBI involved. So that’s what this book is about. Also, I’m pretty sure they are already working with Lifetime so if you don’t want to read the book, just wait for the Lifetime movie.

Screen Shot 2018-01-16 at 2.15.28 PMThe Marriage Lie

Amazon suggested this to me – LOL – and I can totally see why.

A woman’s husband has just left on a business trip to “Florida” but when a plane on it’s way to Seattle crashes, she’s informed that her husband was one of its passengers. Why was he going to Seattle? Why would he lie? She’s left to find out for herself. The synopsis on Amazon used the words “shocked to her very core” so you could say my interest is peaked.


Screen Shot 2018-01-16 at 2.16.02 PMThe Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson

In all honesty, I am 100% guilty of caring too much. About everything. Even things that are out of my control. Even things that don’t really affect me. Sometimes, I let the possibility of something happening bother me. So this is just, personally, a book I think I need to read this year. 




Screen Shot 2018-01-16 at 2.16.40 PMYou Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero

Yes. Another kinda-sorta self-help book. I NEVER read these. But my 2018 New Year’s Resolution was to be happier. I could write an entire post about the root cause and what led me to this resolution, but I’ll save it for another time. Basically, I get in these weird moods where I don’t think much of myself and I’m sure it has nothing to do with the way I compare myself to Instagram models but whatever. I hope this book will give me some insight and remind me of how great I am.


Screen Shot 2018-01-16 at 2.17.11 PMWhat Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty

So I’m a really big fan of Liane Moriarty. She wrote Big Little Lies and The Husband’s Secret, both of which made my list of Best Reads of 2017. What Alice Forgot is about a woman named Alice (duh) who is about to give birth to her first child. She and her husband are pretty much newly weds and they just bought their first home together. Everything is fine and dandy until she wakes up on a gym floor with no idea where she is. Through conversations with her friends and sister (who’ve all aged considerably) she learns that she’s not pregnant, she already has three kids and she is in the process of going through a divorce – oh, and it’s 2008, not 1998. 

Tell me what else I should read this year! I need recommendations!

Best Reads of 2017

I’m a bookworm. Like majorly. So much so that people actually come to me for book suggestions. It’s very humbling, actually. And I love it because when I enjoy a book, I become its biggest advocate. Like I can go on and on to someone about what makes it great and why “even though you don’t really like to read, this will change your mind.” (Sometimes I’m right, sometimes I’m wrong.)

But the truth is that I love sharing my opinion when I really love something or when I really hate it. So I’ll start here, with some of my favorite reads of 2017.

P.S. No spoilers, I promise!

Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 3.03.55 PMInto the Water, Paula Hawkins

I’ll be honest. I only bought this book because Paula Hawkins, who wrote The Girl on the Train, wrote it. If you’re not familiar with The Girl on the Train, you won’t enjoy any of these books I’m about to list so – peace out.

A woman gets a call that her sister is dead. Dun dun dun. They’ve ruled it a suicide, but this isn’t enough for her. After some independent investigating, she develops a working theory, but not without putting herself in some danger. Definitely a page-turner, not necessarily as suspenseful as her debut novel. But I’ll buy the next one, just in case.

The Sisters Chase, Sarah Healy

Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 3.06.19 PM

Last year I subscribed to Book of the Month Club – I’ll give more details about that in another blog because I definitely have some opinions. This was one of the books I received and I actually loved it.

Big sis, little sis and mom are struggling to make ends meet while running their family owned motel. When mom suddenly dies in a car crash, big sis finds out that the motel isn’t worth what they owe in property taxes. So they decide to go on a trip (destination unknown until the very end * eye roll *) Along the way, they go on a few adventures but some of big sis’s secrets unravel, and well. If you like plot twists, you’ll love this one.

I really loved it because the age difference between the two sisters was the same as mine and my youngest sister, so some of the dialogue was totally relatable.

Big Little Lies, Liane Moriarty

Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 3.07.01 PM

You’ve probably heard of the series starring Reese Witherspoon and Nicole Kidman. I actually saw the trailer and any time I see the words “based on the New York Times Best Seller…” I’m like “Yup. I’m reading that.”

Think… PTA moms with Range Rovers. In a pretty affluent town, a couple of moms become friends when their kids all wind up in the same kindergarten class. Each family has their own issues – ex husbands with new wives, career driven husbands with no time for current wives, and some unspoken mystery that we wait for what seems like forever to find out. But as the plot unravels and you find out some of their “secrets” worlds are turned upside down. Season 2 should be out soon, but in the meantime, I’ve got to go check out some of her other books because WOW.

The Husband’s Secret, Liane Moriarty

Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 3.19.12 PMAgain, I have some serious loyalty to this woman. I think it came up in “recommended for you” somewhere. But once I realized she wrote Big Little Lies, I was sold.

A wife stumbles (snooping) across a letter written to her – in the event of her husband’s death. Only he’s not dead yet… But she reads it anyway, because duh. You would too.

The letter is basically a confession from him that makes her wonder, did she ever really know him at all? And what was she supposed to do with the information when he died?

This book changes point of view A LOT. Just when you’re getting into one character’s story, she switches it up. And honestly, I didn’t care for one of the character’s story line… like, at all. BUT there is a purpose for it and it does come full circle so power through it!

Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 3.21.12 PMBehind Her Eyes, Sarah Pinborough

I feel like I could’ve written this book. On the surface, the plot is sort of cliché, but hear me out.

Louise, a secretary in what seems like a dead-end job, meets a man at a bar. The two hit it off, and all but fall in love. She goes into work the next day and – surprise! Her new boss is the guy from the bar – and he’s married. But it doesn’t end there. She befriends a woman at her son’s elementary school and the two become best buds. Until… She discovers the woman is married to her boss AKA secret lover. It’s super juicy and you’re pulled in from the beginning. But there’s more to this married couple than Louise realizes. And once she starts to figure things out, is it too late for her to run?

Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 3.22.07 PMYou Will Know Me, Megan Abbott

I picked this up because it was about a gymnastics prodigy but it also had a bit of a mystery/murder vibe to it. I was far from a professional gymnast but I tried at one point. If you don’t mind waiting until the last ten pages for an insanely good plot twist, you’ll love it. I read so many good reviews so even when I was ready to give up, I kept reading. Not my favorite but it gets bonus points for throwing a plot twist in.



Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 3.22.36 PMLies She Told, Cate Holahan

This book is ridiculous. It’s like inception but with books instead of dreams. Liza is the narrator. She’s a writer working on a new novel. Her and her husband are having some issues and one of his friends goes missing. Beth is the protagonist in Liza’s book… You kind of get the sense that Beth is Liza. Lines are blurred and you can’t really tell the difference between reality and fantasy. You have to pay attention. It’s rare that I have to flip back into the book and ask myself “Wait, who was I just reading about?” But I had to do that a lot with this one. But it was definitely worth it.


Final Girls, Riley Sager

Screen Shot 2018-01-09 at 3.23.11 PM

The Final Girls are what the media has dubbed a group of girls – each the sole survivor of her own tragedy. Quincy, the main Character, survived a massacre out in a cabin on vacation. The Final Girls haven’t really met, only exchanged a few letters and phone calls for “moral support” and how to handle the media and talk shows begging for interviews. When one of the Final Girls is found with her wrists slit in her bathtub, only moments after she left Quincy a voicemail, Quincy starts to think it wasn’t really a suicide. Meanwhile, another Final Girl has shown up on Quincy’s doorstep asking for a place to stay. Quincy takes it upon herself to do some digging, and realizes, she may have just let a stranger stay in her house.

Ok, if you like murder and psychopaths, this is right up your alley. And I’m just going to leave it at that.

I know what you’re thinking, and I agree – I need to branch out and include different genres. This is just what I like! But seriously, stay tuned for my “Most Anticipated Reads of 2018” list because I’m going to try and include at least one non fiction book… Maybe.

How to Not Go Insane When You Move In with Your Significant Other :-)

Update: It’s been nearly 2 months since we moved in together. PSA: IT’S NOT EASY. IT TAKES WORK. But the good thing is that it’s still totally worth it.

In the beginning, as we picked out furniture and décor, it became really obvious from the get-go that we had two completely different styles.

He is dark and modern – think leather futon and industrial bar stools. I am light and traditional – think pastel couch and fuzzy white rugs. You can see where we might have conflict…

Anyway it takes us forever to decide on one piece of furniture. I’ve basically given up and let him do it all.

Anyway, I came home the other day and he was so excited. Proud, even.

“Did you notice anything?”

I glanced at the very obvious addition – a brown desk, a white filing drawer and a gray shelf nailed to the wall, all side by side. He’d created his own little office.

“That ugly desk and filing cabinet you shoved up against the wall? Yeah, I noticed it.”

I regretted the words the moment they left my mouth. It was rude and insensitive, but it just came out. (I have to work on that.)

Anyway it caused an argument. Not a huge one, but we bickered, nonetheless. About how I’m rude and that he needs a place to work. And why can’t he work at the island in the kitchen, blah blah blah.

I came to work the next morning to vent to my coworker.

I sighed and plunked myself into my desk chair. She already knew I was prepared to complain.

When I finally got done whining about the colors and arrangement of his desk setup in the living room. She said one thing that stuck with me.

“I’ve been there. But think about it like this… that desk is paying half of your rent.”

That’s when I realized I’m a huge jerk and I should maybe be a little nicer when it comes to things like this.

I know it’s not super deep and sentimental, but if that thought had occurred to me previously, I probably wouldn’t have objected to the desk in the first place.

So here are a couple of tips for staying sane when living in a tiny apartment with your significant other:

  • Hold your tongue. If you’re about to spout a mean comment that serves no actual purpose, don’t. Just don’t.
  • Compromise is key. You’re not going to agree on everything. Choose your battles wisely.
  • Alone time/time with just your friends is good! It gives you a chance to miss each other. Do it.
  • But that doesn’t mean to stop dating! Just because you see each other everyday doesn’t mean you have to quit going to dinner.
  • Be grateful. Instead of griping that he didn’t do the laundry how you like it – thank him for doing it.

I’m learning about him, sure. But I’ve definitely learned more about myself, and man, I can be annoying. I was too busy noticing his dirty socks on the floor to realize that I cover the entire bathroom counter with makeup and hair products. 🤷‍♀️


I’m not an adult yet

It’s almost been a full 2 weeks since I moved out of my parents’ house and into this cute little apartment with my boyfriend. And let me tell you, it’s expensive.

We’ve gone grocery shopping like 4 times because we always forget something important like laundry detergent or trash bags. Then when we get to the store we see something like ketchup or dryer sheets and we’re both like “gotta get that too.” We’re trying to save money so I haven’t been real loyal to the name brands. If buying Gain instead of Tide saves me $5, I’m gonna do it.

Anyway fast forward to last night. I was relaxing on our brand new couch – that’s a light blue color… almost pastel – watching Friends. I’d just made a trip to my mom’s house for dinner and a few forgotten items, and then Winco for MORE groceries. So I wanted to relax and unwind.

I opened a bottle of this cheap Trader Joe’s wine – which actually doesn’t even taste that great, so what happens next doesn’t even seem worth it – and poured myself a glass of the thirst quenching red liquid (yes, I said red) and sat on my beautiful light blue couch. I cozied up with a blanket and a pillow, and only about 3 sips in, I rearranged myself for some reason, and just like that, my life flashed before my eyes. My knee knocked that glass right out of my hand; I saw a stream of red in slow motion. I did all that I could to catch the glass but to no avail.

“COME HELP ME!” I screamed. David comes out of the bedroom to a frantic me, pulling back the sofa cushions, Googling “HOW TO REMOVE RED WINE FROM COUCH.”

We don’t have baking soda or vinegar, so the next suggestion says to dab the couch with wet paper towels with a touch of laundry detergent.

My mom had given me some Tide Pods when I moved because I mentioned that David doesn’t do laundry often.

“Let David use these when you’re not there, they’re really easy, just toss one in the washer. Idiot proof.”

But I went ahead and bought some liquid, so as to reserve the pods for David.

David goes to grab the liquid soap and stares at it.

“Is this detergent?”


“You’ve been washing our clothes with this?”


“It says fabric softener.”

So, yeah. I’ve been washing our clothes and towels and sheets with fabric softener. So basically everything is dirty. Soft, probably. But dirty.

That’s when I realized I’m not an adult yet. The couch looks great, we miraculously removed the wine, no thanks to me. But it’s safe to say I’m gonna start using those idiot proof Tide Pods very soon.

Chronicles of Cohabitation

UPDATE on my life, if anybody cares. My ~boyfriend~ and I recently made a huge life changing decision to ~move in together~ … ok it’s not that life changing since I was already spending most weekends at his place anyway. But it’s a pretty big step to me.

Anywho… I know not everyone agrees with it… (Dad, I’m talking to you)

How could we do this?

Live together.


Shacking up.

Living in sin, I know. But hear me out on this one… I can list a million different reasons we chose to live together… I’m not living out of a duffle bag on the weekends, we get to see each other everyday (hello, I kinda like the guy), but the main reason is so that this can be a trial run. A test period, so to speak…

Some old fashion peeps might think an engagement or marriage should come before or along with moving in together… I disagree.

What if we get married, and I find something that irks me… Like, oh, I don’t know, the beard trimmings he leaves in the sink… or the fact that he takes his socks off in the living room and leaves them there? (This is hypothetical, of course)

What if I discover that he is physically incapable of rinsing out the sink or picking up his socks? Or what if he simply refuses to do either of those things as an act of rebellion?

What if I find myself married to a sockless bearded monster who can’t stand the amount of clothes I have? Or the fact that I let clothes sit in the dryer and get all wrinkly again?

This is why I think moving in together is so beneficial. We can test the waters and ask ourselves, “How much do I really love this person? Is it worth picking up his socks? Is he willing to clean his own beard trimmings?”

This is all hypothetical, again.

Breaking up or moving out is one thing. Divorce is quite another. Not that I see either of these things happening in our future. So far, the beard trimmings and socks don’t bother me badly enough. But keep an eye out for more Chronicles of Cohabitation.

7 Ways to Fake Being Skinny When its Too Late

Alright y’all, I’m going to Vegas in like 2 months. I’ve tried every diet out there: Whole30, paleo, counting macros, and nothing seems to work. Probably because I have no backbone and can’t say no when there’s an office party and somebody brought cupcakes, but that’s beside the point.

I’ve alternated my exercise from cardio only, to weights and cardio, I’ve even swapped the treadmill for some good old fashioned hiking trails and bike riding. But no matter what, I always throw in the towel, drink a beer and eat Doritos while I watch Netflix with my boyfriend (who apparently can eat and drink whatever he wants without gaining a pound.) 🙄141H

So here’s my advice for those of you who – like myself – waited until the last minute to care and need a quick fix:

  1. Tan. I’m not sure why, but dark fat tends to look better than white fat. Maybe it gives the appearance on “tone-ness.” Idk, but in my experience, this helps. Tans do fade, though. And memberships can be costly.
  2. Waist train. This is a very temporary fix, and it doesn’t work for everyone (it does work for the Kardashian/Jenners, however). Waist train for 8 hours a day everyday for a week and your organs will be rearranged so that they are no longer where they are supposed to be, thus making you appear empty and skinny. Side affects include nausea, headaches, dizziness and being uncomfortable in general.
  3. Pose deceivingly. If you’re ok with being fat in real life, but want to be a little skinnier on Instagram, angle your body, bend a knee, stick out your butt – and BAM – you’re Instaskinny. This is my favorite tactic, as it requires the least amount of money and effort.
  4. Lighting! Like posing deceivingly – lighting is your friend. Generally, natural, warm lighting is your friend (as opposed to fluorescent or the flash on your iPhone, which will expose your blemishes, rolls and most other flaws you want to hide.) Natural lighting is usually free, but when the sun sets, you may need to purchase one of those overpriced phone cases that lights up when you take a picture.
  5. Contour. If you can afford lots of makeup and aren’t going to swim, sweat, tan or wear white, this might be the option for you. Simply use dark makeup to outline where your muscles would be. Use light makeup to “highlight.” As a bonus, you can give yourself a boob job or butt lift this way too!
  6. Suck it in. If none of those options work for you, you can try the old fashioned “suck it in” trick. Try to relax your face so that you don’t look like you aren’t breathing in photos.
  7. Stop caring. Lastly, if you want to just give up – accept your flubby skin and embrace it. Run around and let it all hang out. You’re probably the only person analyzing your body anyway.

That’s all I got folks. Feel free to share your fake skinny tips in the comments, I could use some pointers.


How to Make Friends

The transition from college to the workforce has been great, to say the least. Paid vacation and holidays. A Monday through Friday schedule. Minus rush hour traffic, I’ve pretty much been enjoying myself – with one exception.

My social life is lagging. By lagging, I mean that I only hang out with my boyfriend and my 5-year-old sister. And even those two sometimes get tired of me.


This is not because I am an awful person and I just can’t keep friends – I’ve determined it’s because my friends are growing up too.

One is pregnant (this changes nothing, by the way. I will gladly meet up my pregnant friend to complain about our day over a basket of fried pickles) anyway her pregnancy prompted her to move back home – like four states away – to be closer to family. Insert eye roll emoji.

Another friend just became a flight attendant (hello, living the dream) so now she literally lives everywhere but Texas.

And another friend recently got kinda serious and is house hunting with her almost-husband. (I sense a pregnancy announcement in the near future.) giphy1

My point is that I’m desperate for a girl to sit on a patio with me and sip a margarita.

So, I did something I swore I would never do – I got on Bumble.

(For those of you who don’t know, Bumble is a dating app, similar to Tinder, except that it has a BFF feature where you can scroll through people looking for friendships without the unwanted advances of TCU frat guys looking for hookups)

Bumble BFF was cool. I matched this girl, she seemed great. I even thought to myself, “Wow we would look great in an Instagram picture together. #BFFs”

We exchanged messages like “Mimosas?” and “The Bachelor?” and hit it off. Anyway she was like “A bunch of us are going out this weekend, you should come!” So I’m like “Sweet, I’m down. Where will y’all be?”

“Downtown Fort Worth… You should just meet me at my apartment?”

Ok, this is where I got sort of “flaky” by suggesting we meet in public. I’ve seen way too many Lifetime movies – I’m not about to meet a stranger, alone, at an apartment complex I’ve never been to – I’m not that desperate.

She got sort of defensive and called me a flake.


To which I was like, “umm ok weirdo why can’t we meet in public?”

Sooo Bumble was a bust IMO. Plus my boyfriend was like, “You gotta meet people in a natural setting, an app is not natural, yadda yadda yadda.”

Fast forward to my second attempting at forcing a friendship. I met a girl a little over a year ago through a mutual friend and she added me on Snapchat.

Out of the blue, she messaged me saying “Hey girl, we should get a drink sometime… The one time we hung out you seemed really cool blah blah blah”

Y’all. I was SO EXCITED. I was like HECK YES, I’m gonna make a friend.

I respond like “OMG YES! What are you doing this weekend? We should meet for a drink.”

She’s like “Yeah, I’m free Friday. So random, I had a dream about you last night haha”

I’m like “Oh. Weird. Anyway where should we go?”

She’s like “Wherever. Anyway in my dream you and I… um, you know”

I’m like W T F…

The next thing I know, this chick is asking if I’d be interested in a threesome with her and her husband. m0gd0jMjQ53YQ

I politely declined and explained that I’m in a committed (monogamous) relationship. And now I’m back to square one.

Moral of the story is that I don’t know how to make friends and you read this for no reason. Sorry. 200