UPDATE on my life, if anybody cares. My ~boyfriend~ and I recently made a huge life changing decision to ~move in together~ … ok it’s not that life changing since I was already spending most weekends at his place anyway. But it’s a pretty big step to me.
Anywho… I know not everyone agrees with it… (Dad, I’m talking to you)
How could we do this?
Living in sin, I know. But hear me out on this one… I can list a million different reasons we chose to live together… I’m not living out of a duffle bag on the weekends, we get to see each other everyday (hello, I kinda like the guy), but the main reason is so that this can be a trial run. A test period, so to speak…
Some old fashion peeps might think an engagement or marriage should come before or along with moving in together… I disagree.
What if we get married, and I find something that irks me… Like, oh, I don’t know, the beard trimmings he leaves in the sink… or the fact that he takes his socks off in the living room and leaves them there? (This is hypothetical, of course)
What if I discover that he is physically incapable of rinsing out the sink or picking up his socks? Or what if he simply refuses to do either of those things as an act of rebellion?
What if I find myself married to a sockless bearded monster who can’t stand the amount of clothes I have? Or the fact that I let clothes sit in the dryer and get all wrinkly again?
This is why I think moving in together is so beneficial. We can test the waters and ask ourselves, “How much do I really love this person? Is it worth picking up his socks? Is he willing to clean his own beard trimmings?”
This is all hypothetical, again.
Breaking up or moving out is one thing. Divorce is quite another. Not that I see either of these things happening in our future. So far, the beard trimmings and socks don’t bother me badly enough. But keep an eye out for more Chronicles of Cohabitation.
I can make this blog about the time I got a text from my boyfriend’s phone in the middle of the night that wasn’t him. I can make it about the time I received screenshots from a guy I was seeing’s girlfriend with details about their sex life. Or the time I broke up with a guy via text message and his EX replied to my message.
Nothing is worse than thinking you’re IT and finding out you’re just a “side piece.” I’ve dated cheaters – habitual and non-habitual. It SUCKS either way.
I’m realizing that this whole cheating thing didn’t just happen to me. In fact, it happens so often (to men and women) it HURTS to talk about.
But I want to know WHY people do this and maybe, how to avoid it. So I talked to roughly 15 people (men and women) who have either cheated or been cheated on. Here’s how it went:
(BTW, every name in this blog has been changed because, well, who would want to be associated with this blog?)
“I was getting a lot of attention that I wasn’t used to.”- Sarah, 26
“I’ve cheated on almost all of my boy friends… Now that I’m older I realize I was totally out of line and disrespectful to hurt someone like that. Especially when my most recent ex-boyfriend started talking to other girls behind my back.” – Evelyn, 22
“I never saw it as cheating when I was doing it, but when it started happening to me with the same guy… I realized that it IS cheating.” – Alyssa, 24
“She left me and had a baby with him.” – Jordan, 24
“Our relationship did get better after things evened out.” – Russel, 21
“It’s ironic because she told me if I ever gave her an STD, she would slit my tires. We were starting to get serious when I started getting this burning sensation…. When I told her about it, she told me that she needed to inform two other people.” – Raul, 25
“I found out he cheated and I thought, ‘Well you wanna play that game? So can I.’” – Jennifer, 24
“He had been dating her for about a month before we broke up, while he was living in my home, where I paid all the bills, and bought all the food.” – Emily, 23
Food for thought:
Of the people who agreed to talk to me, 60% were women, 40% were men.
All of them have been cheated on, 80% have cheated, and 20% have never cheated.
More men were caught cheating, while women usually get away with it.
2 cheated – after learning their partners cheated.
3 said after it happened to them, they wouldn’t do it again.
Of those who have cheated, they usually did it multiple times.
Why did you cheat?
“My boyfriend was timid and didn’t try anything with me. So I hung out with his friend who was very flirty and very touchy and it just happened.” – Sarah, 26
“I was never in love and I was dating too nice of guys. They couldn’t keep up with my partying ways at that time so I moved on mentally without wanting to leave the relationship.” – Evelyn, 21
“I was really insecure about myself and sought other people’s acceptance to boost my self-esteem. No single person could have given me what I needed to stay faithful.” – Alyssa, 24
“I honestly don’t remember why I cheated, I just remember I liked the other girl more and had more similar interests with her.” – Jordan, 24
“I think she cheated because we started our relationship too soon after her and her ex had broken up. Then I cheated out of spite.” – Russel, 21
Do you think it could’ve been avoided? Cheating and/or being cheated on?
“Nope, nothing. I was a great girlfriend to him and gave him everything I had. I thought we were doing great. He had me fooled. And no for my ex’s also, I was mentally not in it.” – Evelyn, 22
“There is nothing you can do to stop someone who is struggling with their own issues.” – Alyssa, 24
“I could’ve been a better lover. I was too nice.” – Raul, 25
“I honestly think he cheated because he didn’t really get a lot of attention from girls and when girls were willing to show him attention he flew with it.” – Jennifer, 24
How did it affect the relationship?
“It was essentially the final straw. He broke up with me over Facebook messenger.” – Alyssa, 24
“We stayed in an open relationship for a few more weeks. And it just confused me and made me paranoid so we went separate ways.” – Raul, 25
“She did it first, I did out of spite. It helped me give us another chance.” – Russel, 21
“It caused me to stay in relationship that wasn’t right for me. It didn’t make me fight with my boyfriend more or anything, but by finding someone else to satisfy the parts of my boyfriend that were “missing,” I was able to sort of…power through.” – Alyssa, 24
“I wondered if I wasn’t pretty enough or lacking something he was trying to find in someone else.” – Carissa, 21
“Other issues led up to that point [breakup] obviously from my insecurities and such things but ultimately it was the cheating.” – Emily, 23
“We broke up and I continued to date the girl I left her for.” – Jordan, 24
Does social media have an impact on cheating?
“FUCK YES” – Jennifer, 24
“It definitely helps… but it doesn’t matter. All the girls he talked to (that I know of) he met at work.” – Evelyn, 22
“I think social media opens the door of ambiguity when it comes to cheating. You post all these pictures of yourself and what you’re up to and you get someone saying that you’re beautiful or you look great or you’re funny or whatever…and you begin to think that it’s okay because that’s just what people do. So when someone flirts with you in person, you are more accepting of it. It’s like being desensitized to cheating. Because if I wasn’t on social media and not used to being flirted with by people all the time online, I would be more likely to be like ‘WAIT NO’ if someone did it to me in person.” – Alyssa, 24
“Now social media plays a major role in cheating. Snapchat, twitter, etc. I had a guy tell me he would rather me destroy his phone than release it to his wife because he had been messaging other girls.” – Russel, 21
“I think social media makes it easier because it’s easier to connect with others. But at the same time a lot of people get busted through social media.” – Raul, 25
A few recurring themes I noticed…
Alcohol makes you tell the truth. (And forget to lock your phone.)
Women cheat on “nice guys.”
Men and women cheat out of spite to get back at someone
Social media is an enabler
Just about everyone believes that monogamy is realistic!
A majority of couples try to make things work afterwards.
Most of them weren’t able to, though.
Some say having one partner isn’t natural and that, like animals, humans have natural instincts to have more than one mate. What is your opinion?
“Penguins mate for life so I don’t want to hear that shit! I think that we are always searching for our other half and maybe I am just a hopeless romantic but once I find my other half, I don’t want to let them go or keep looking for someone else.” – Sarah, 26
“I think if two people are in love, they will make it work naturally.” – Evelyn, 22
“Cheating happens a lot, but I think that ultimately we’re all searching for that one person who satisfies all of our needs but sometimes our feelings get in the way and we are too stubborn to quit a bad relationship, so we cheat and do ridiculous things to try to make it work because we pride ourselves in our loyalty, etc. We ARE animals, sure. But we’re much more complex psychologically than other animals and we have the ability to desire one mate.” – Alyssa, 24
“If you connect with the right person I don’t think you’ll ever need another mate.” – Jordan, 24
“It’s in our nature to find others attractive. It just takes mental strength to say no.” – Raul, 25
“Disagree. Yeah we may have to do some searching before we find “the one” but once we find it we aren’t worried about anyone else.” – Russel, 21
And a few other quotes I want to include, just because:
“I just think she enjoyed the attention of other guys. She had a habit of cheating.” – Jordan, 24
“Take a break from all social media during the beginning of the relationship to build each other’s trust.” – Russel, 21
“There were qualities in this guy that I couldn’t live with. He was funny and smart and charismatic, but he wasn’t driven to do anything with his life. So I found myself reaching out to guys who WERE driven.” – Alyssa, 24
“Growing up girls are told ‘That guy’s going to break your heart, that guy’s going to break your heart,’ so it’s like y’all are a little more prepared for heartbreak.” – Raul, 25
“Most women cheat with married men because they both have something to lose.” – Rachel, 21
The facts remain that:
Women find out EVERYTHING, while men only find out some things.
My mom had a point when she’d ask, “Why do young girls like to eat shit?”
Nice guys finish last.
Pretty much everyone (men and women) believes cheating can be physical and emotional.
Chronic cheaters are a real thing – steer clear.
The verdict is that… If someone cheats on you, it’s usually not your fault (unless you cheated first… then it probably could’ve been avoided.) If he or she cheats on you and you decide to take him or her back, your chances of being cheated on again increase by 98% (I’m making this up but it seems reasonable, right?) Anyway, idk if this helped you or just made you hate the opposite sex even more… I hope it did both, tbh.
I’m 21 and I still live at my parents house, so technically I’m just a really old teenager. Nonetheless, twenty-somethings are all different. This is a really weird time when everyone you grew up with is doing different things. Some twenty-somethings are in college, others are graduated. Some just enlisted in the military, and lots are getting married. A few twenty-somethings have kids, and some are studying abroad. This is a time where you kinda have to get your shit together. Not entirely though. (That’s what thirties are for)
Here’s how I’m sort of halfway attempting to become an adult.
Keeping up with bills. This is a lot harder than it sounds. I’m not sure how many bills the average person has but I feel like mine are endless. They’re spread all throughout the month. It’s as if God did this so I never feel too comfortable with my finances. 🙂 I’m finally paying off the credit cards I “accidentally” maxed out in college. But every time I get close, I get a speeding ticket or a flat tire. Or I just really needed a vodka soda after work… Whatever, I’m getting there.
Healthcare and a 401k. I’m not entirely sure how a 401k even works. But my job has one. I went ahead and filled out the paperwork for the maximum amount I can contribute because I like to believe that I’ll be rich when I retire. Regardless of whether or not that will be the case. I’ve got health insurance now too. Which is a total joke. What the hell is a deductible, anyway?
Trying to pay rent. Parents as landlords are kind of a joke, honestly. Unless yours are like really hardcore, it’s super easy to get out of paying rent. I’m usually pretty broke and my mom feels bad for me and doesn’t mention it. Occasionally she’s like, “So maybe you should start paying rent next month.” Whereas I’m like “Dang, I would but I just bought new tires :(” #Adulting
Disclaimer: Parents, don't let your twenty-something move back in. They'll never pay rent and you'll feel guilty asking for it.
Anyway if you have any idea how a 401k works and you pay rent to a landlord or even your parents, you’re already a step ahead of me. So, I’m not engaged or responsible enough to take care of a baby? I’m just proud I can balance a checkbook.