As many of you know, David and I are planning our wedding (and when I say “David and I,” I mean “I.” Continue reading
I can make this blog about the time I got a text from my boyfriend’s phone in the middle of the night that wasn’t him. I can make it about the time I received screenshots from a guy I was seeing’s girlfriend with details about their sex life. Or the time I broke up with a guy via text message and his EX replied to my message.
Nothing is worse than thinking you’re IT and finding out you’re just a “side piece.” I’ve dated cheaters – habitual and non-habitual. It SUCKS either way.
I’m realizing that this whole cheating thing didn’t just happen to me. In fact, it happens so often (to men and women) it HURTS to talk about.
But I want to know WHY people do this and maybe, how to avoid it. So I talked to roughly 15 people (men and women) who have either cheated or been cheated on. Here’s how it went:
(BTW, every name in this blog has been changed because, well, who would want to be associated with this blog?)
“I was getting a lot of attention that I wasn’t used to.”- Sarah, 26
“I’ve cheated on almost all of my boy friends… Now that I’m older I realize I was totally out of line and disrespectful to hurt someone like that. Especially when my most recent ex-boyfriend started talking to other girls behind my back.” – Evelyn, 22
“I never saw it as cheating when I was doing it, but when it started happening to me with the same guy… I realized that it IS cheating.” – Alyssa, 24
“She left me and had a baby with him.” – Jordan, 24
“Our relationship did get better after things evened out.” – Russel, 21
“It’s ironic because she told me if I ever gave her an STD, she would slit my tires. We were starting to get serious when I started getting this burning sensation…. When I told her about it, she told me that she needed to inform two other people.” – Raul, 25
“I found out he cheated and I thought, ‘Well you wanna play that game? So can I.’” – Jennifer, 24
“He had been dating her for about a month before we broke up, while he was living in my home, where I paid all the bills, and bought all the food.” – Emily, 23
Food for thought:
- Of the people who agreed to talk to me, 60% were women, 40% were men.
- All of them have been cheated on, 80% have cheated, and 20% have never cheated.
- More men were caught cheating, while women usually get away with it.
- 2 cheated – after learning their partners cheated.
- 3 said after it happened to them, they wouldn’t do it again.
- Of those who have cheated, they usually did it multiple times.
Why did you cheat?
“My boyfriend was timid and didn’t try anything with me. So I hung out with his friend who was very flirty and very touchy and it just happened.” – Sarah, 26
“I was never in love and I was dating too nice of guys. They couldn’t keep up with my partying ways at that time so I moved on mentally without wanting to leave the relationship.” – Evelyn, 21
“I was really insecure about myself and sought other people’s acceptance to boost my self-esteem. No single person could have given me what I needed to stay faithful.” – Alyssa, 24
“I honestly don’t remember why I cheated, I just remember I liked the other girl more and had more similar interests with her.” – Jordan, 24
“I think she cheated because we started our relationship too soon after her and her ex had broken up. Then I cheated out of spite.” – Russel, 21
Do you think it could’ve been avoided? Cheating and/or being cheated on?
“Nope, nothing. I was a great girlfriend to him and gave him everything I had. I thought we were doing great. He had me fooled. And no for my ex’s also, I was mentally not in it.” – Evelyn, 22
“There is nothing you can do to stop someone who is struggling with their own issues.” – Alyssa, 24
“I could’ve been a better lover. I was too nice.” – Raul, 25
“I honestly think he cheated because he didn’t really get a lot of attention from girls and when girls were willing to show him attention he flew with it.” – Jennifer, 24
How did it affect the relationship?
“It was essentially the final straw. He broke up with me over Facebook messenger.” – Alyssa, 24
“We stayed in an open relationship for a few more weeks. And it just confused me and made me paranoid so we went separate ways.” – Raul, 25
“She did it first, I did out of spite. It helped me give us another chance.” – Russel, 21
“It caused me to stay in relationship that wasn’t right for me. It didn’t make me fight with my boyfriend more or anything, but by finding someone else to satisfy the parts of my boyfriend that were “missing,” I was able to sort of…power through.” – Alyssa, 24
“I wondered if I wasn’t pretty enough or lacking something he was trying to find in someone else.” – Carissa, 21
“Other issues led up to that point [breakup] obviously from my insecurities and such things but ultimately it was the cheating.” – Emily, 23
“We broke up and I continued to date the girl I left her for.” – Jordan, 24
Does social media have an impact on cheating?
“FUCK YES” – Jennifer, 24
“It definitely helps… but it doesn’t matter. All the girls he talked to (that I know of) he met at work.” – Evelyn, 22
“I think social media opens the door of ambiguity when it comes to cheating. You post all these pictures of yourself and what you’re up to and you get someone saying that you’re beautiful or you look great or you’re funny or whatever…and you begin to think that it’s okay because that’s just what people do. So when someone flirts with you in person, you are more accepting of it. It’s like being desensitized to cheating. Because if I wasn’t on social media and not used to being flirted with by people all the time online, I would be more likely to be like ‘WAIT NO’ if someone did it to me in person.” – Alyssa, 24
“Now social media plays a major role in cheating. Snapchat, twitter, etc. I had a guy tell me he would rather me destroy his phone than release it to his wife because he had been messaging other girls.” – Russel, 21
“I think social media makes it easier because it’s easier to connect with others. But at the same time a lot of people get busted through social media.” – Raul, 25
A few recurring themes I noticed…
- Alcohol makes you tell the truth. (And forget to lock your phone.)
- Women cheat on “nice guys.”
- Men and women cheat out of spite to get back at someone
- Social media is an enabler
- Just about everyone believes that monogamy is realistic!
- A majority of couples try to make things work afterwards.
- Most of them weren’t able to, though.
Some say having one partner isn’t natural and that, like animals, humans have natural instincts to have more than one mate. What is your opinion?
“Penguins mate for life so I don’t want to hear that shit! I think that we are always searching for our other half and maybe I am just a hopeless romantic but once I find my other half, I don’t want to let them go or keep looking for someone else.” – Sarah, 26
“I think if two people are in love, they will make it work naturally.” – Evelyn, 22
“Cheating happens a lot, but I think that ultimately we’re all searching for that one person who satisfies all of our needs but sometimes our feelings get in the way and we are too stubborn to quit a bad relationship, so we cheat and do ridiculous things to try to make it work because we pride ourselves in our loyalty, etc. We ARE animals, sure. But we’re much more complex psychologically than other animals and we have the ability to desire one mate.” – Alyssa, 24
“If you connect with the right person I don’t think you’ll ever need another mate.” – Jordan, 24
“It’s in our nature to find others attractive. It just takes mental strength to say no.” – Raul, 25
“Disagree. Yeah we may have to do some searching before we find “the one” but once we find it we aren’t worried about anyone else.” – Russel, 21
And a few other quotes I want to include, just because:
“I just think she enjoyed the attention of other guys. She had a habit of cheating.” – Jordan, 24
“Take a break from all social media during the beginning of the relationship to build each other’s trust.” – Russel, 21
“There were qualities in this guy that I couldn’t live with. He was funny and smart and charismatic, but he wasn’t driven to do anything with his life. So I found myself reaching out to guys who WERE driven.” – Alyssa, 24
“Growing up girls are told ‘That guy’s going to break your heart, that guy’s going to break your heart,’ so it’s like y’all are a little more prepared for heartbreak.” – Raul, 25
“Most women cheat with married men because they both have something to lose.” – Rachel, 21
The facts remain that:
- Women find out EVERYTHING, while men only find out some things.
- My mom had a point when she’d ask, “Why do young girls like to eat shit?”
- Nice guys finish last.
- Pretty much everyone (men and women) believes cheating can be physical and emotional.
- Chronic cheaters are a real thing – steer clear.
The verdict is that… If someone cheats on you, it’s usually not your fault (unless you cheated first… then it probably could’ve been avoided.) If he or she cheats on you and you decide to take him or her back, your chances of being cheated on again increase by 98% (I’m making this up but it seems reasonable, right?) Anyway, idk if this helped you or just made you hate the opposite sex even more… I hope it did both, tbh.
Seriously, stop. It’s annoying. Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want them? Maybe I’m not trying to get knocked up?
Hello, I’m 21 years old, what the hell do I need a kid for? Continue reading
In 2015 I turned 21. I quit sneaking into bars and arguing with bouncers about my address. In 2015 I graduated college. I quit calling myself a student and writing essays for money. In 2015 I got a real job. I quit sleeping ’till 2pm everyday. Continue reading
I’m 21. I’ve moved out of my parents’ house twice now. Once when I left for college, and again a few months later. I had this idea in my head of what being independent meant. I wanted Continue reading
Tis the season to be thankful, I suppose. While I realize I have countless things to be thankful for, I do think I have a few non-traditional things that I’ve come to really appreciate [wine & social media.] Continue reading
Holy stinkin’ crap you guys. I’m writing this purely out of the kindness of my heart. I’ve got to give you a little background info before I tell you why I’m freaking out though. Continue reading
I think I had been a server for like a week when I first started to hate the human race. I felt like everyone was dumb.
NO, I can’t make your drink stronger without charging you for a double.
NO, I can’t give you a military discount on your alcohol, and
NO I can’t add extra chicken to your nachos for free.
Like, what is wrong with people? Don’t they understand how things work? I really believe that everyone should be a server at some point in their lives. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve called my family and friends out for being “those people” at a restaurant. Like, “No, mom, we can’t sit at a booth, there are eight of us.”
Anyway, that’s not what this is about. It’s about finally transitioning to a day job. No, not a “real job.” Because serving and bar tending are real jobs. They make real money and pay real bills. Just had to throw that in there.
Here are some of the major differences between my day job and serving.
- My bedtime. Right now, on a weekday, I’m in bed before 11pm. If I’m not, I’m gonna be late to work the next day. As a server, I’m just getting off work at 11pm. I’m then gonna follow my coworkers, who also just clocked out, to the nearest bar with Monday-Thursday night specials. I’ll crawl into bed around 2 or 3am and probably sleep until my next shift.
- Paychecks. I have to wait TWO WHOLE WEEKS for my paychecks now. What’s that about? It’s 2015! As a server I’m walking out with cash every night. And if I’m kinda broke because I spent it all at the bar last night, I’ll just pick up an extra shift this week. I can’t pick up shifts at my day job.
- Uniforms. I love wearing heels. Some people don’t. But I get to wear heels and dresses and slacks to work everyday and I love it. It beats ugly nonslip shoes and dirty aprons any day.
- Side work. Boy, do I hate side work. For those of you who aren’t aware, side work consists of a list of daily responsibilities assigned to each server. It’s anything from getting buckets of ice to rolling silverware to sweeping your table section. Usually the manager is gonna throw something really annoying at you, like scrubbing light fixtures. Funny story. My first week at my day job, one of the VP’s came into my department and asked if I would help him tear wallpaper off the bathroom wall. I stood up and started to walk towards the bathroom and he laughed. “She was gonna do it!” It was funny because it wasn’t my job. Of course I was gonna do it. I’ve been doing cleaning projects that weren’t my job since I started serving.
- Coworkers. Now, I’m not saying I prefer either set of my coworkers. They are completely different types of people. Servers and bartenders are cynical and funny. Most cuss and drink a lot, while complaining about the people they had to deal with that day. My daytime coworkers talk about books and their dogs. They get excited about new kitchen appliances. I’m about halfway. I like to talk about books and movies, while cussing and drinking.
Serving sucked. I hate cleaning and smelling like grease. But I met a lot of really great people. People who I’ll probably stay friends with for a very long time. Serving also taught me a lot. I learned to always tip 20% (unless your server hit you, or something) and be polite. I learned not to date coworkers (which is ridiculously common in this industry). And man, did I learn to have some patience. I can smile and have a conversation with someone who I am actually stabbing in my mind, it’s great.
I’m being so serious when I say don’t move out. DON’T DO IT. All I did was waste a bunch of money. I moved out of my parents’ house (twice). I also came back home (twice). I have no shame when it comes to saving money. First, I have to explain what happened when I moved out, so you can understand how I came to this decision and why I’m such a firm believer in staying home for as long as your parents will allow it.
Mistake No. 1: I was 18 and had just graduated high school. I wanted to live out my college dream. (Which was very short lived.) I moved into a dorm on campus with a randomly assigned roommate. We shared a tiny dorm room that had twin sized beds and awful lighting. It cost about $800 a month. It only took me three months to realize how incredibly stupid it was. I could easily afford a decent apartment (that didn’t include an inconsiderate roommate who would bring her male friends over while I was in a towel, and make me change behind a closet door) for $800 a month. So I broke my agreement with the university, and moved back home. My parents were ecstatic. (I was only 18, so it wasn’t awful or lame for me to live at home.)
Mistake No. 2: I was 19 and had had it with the curfew and chores and I just wanted out! Pouty face* A friend and I decided to get an apartment together, we’d been hanging out a few months and I figured I knew her well enough. (I don’t advise this to anyone, it rarely works out) Anyway the first few months were fine. We had a nice apartment with a pool and gym access. We knew people who could get us alcohol so we basically had it made. Anyway, my roommate (she who must not be named) moved her boyfriend in, who I wasn’t very fond of. Anyway, I suggested he pay part of the rent since he was living with us. All hell broke loose. Apparently that request was absolutely absurd and how DARE I ask him to pay rent when he sometimes supplies beer?! Needless to say, that lease was also broken, the friendship was damaged, and I came back home, AGAIN.
Now, this second move back home, I realized I should’ve never left. And I wasn’t a loser for living at home, I was smart. Here’s why:
- No rent. I really started to appreciate the fact that I didn’t have to pay rent. All of my fellow classmates and old high school friends were getting married, pregnant and moving into apartments, and I was worry free. My parents eventually loosened up on my curfew, and honestly, they didn’t ask for very much out of me.
- Good food. I never really appreciated home cooked meals. But in my time away from home, I was a fast food junkie. I’m not much of a cook (Eligible bachelors reading this: I’m learning) and my mom is pretty traditional when it comes to feeding her family. So I quickly adjusted to home cooked dinners and having leftovers for lunch the next day.
- No roommates. This is debatable. I have 2 parents, a billion sisters and a dog so I technically had a couple roommates. But at least they couldn’t move people in or short me on rent. Plus I had 18 years of experience in putting up with annoyances.
Anyway, these are only three of the seriously good reasons to stay at home. Save your time, money and your sanity. Granted, if your parents are trying to kick you out, maybe you should go. But if they want maybe a couple hundred dollars in rent, you’re honestly better off forking it over than signing a lease elsewhere.