Don’t do these 10 things during your wedding toast


As many of you know, David and I are planning our wedding (and when I say “David and I,” I mean “I.” Continue reading

Homeownership: not all it’s cracked up to be


As previously mentioned, we’ve upgraded from renters to homeowners. It seemed like a good idea and, you know, everybody’s doing it.

Here’s the thing. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be. There are a lot of things they don’t tell you when you’re signing those papers and handing over your first born. (Kidding, guys. My dog is fine.)

Number one: your garage isn’t your garage.
One of the “non-negotiables” during our house hunt (more on that later) was a garage. We’d been living at an apartment complex with a garage so we’d grown accustomed to covered parking and all that Jazz. However, what your realtor, title company, mom and dad, the man upstairs, etc. will fail to tell you is that you will have so much CRAP stored in there – the bikes you bought because you moved to the suburbs, mulch and weed killer because, oh yeah, you have a yard now – the boxes you failed to unpack because, well, who cares?

Number two: the non-negotiables
Finding a house that met all of our wants was impossible because, well, we aren’t millionaires yet. But our needs were pretty much met. We needed two bathrooms – don’t judge me –  YOU try living in literally 700 square feet with one bathroom and a man who eats 12 times a day, and let me know how it goes. We also needed a decent sized backyard – again – YOU try living in a 5th floor apartment with a tiny dog with a bladder the size of a lima bean and also a fiancé who brings home stray dogs for fun. The garage mentioned above was also on my list – eyeroll. And I really wanted an open-concept home so that I could yell at David from the kitchen to pick up his socks in the living room. This is what dreams are made of y’all. Most of these “needs” came back to bite me but whatever.

Number three: the yard
The funny thing about grass is that when it rains, it grows. We didn’t have a lawn mower because our hardwood floors at the apartment – oddly enough – didn’t grow any grass. Luckily for us, my grandpa owns a landscaping company – Hercules Lawncare (shameless plug, let me know if you want his info) and he was able to add us to his weekly route.

Number four: the utilities
Wouldn’t you know that it is significantly less expensive to heat and cool a brand new (tiny but well-insulated) apartment than it is to heat and cool a still-kind-of-small, much-older, two story house? If y’all could see David’s panic when we got our first electricity bill for our “open concept, natural lighting,” house, you would’ve died. The man went out and bought black out curtains and firewood and basically anything else that can protect us from the sun and/or wind. We live in a dungeon now, it’s fabulous.

My point is this, we love being homeowners – or, uh – living in a house. It’s the “being homeowners” part that caught us by surprise. Regardless, it’s bragging rights. We did it! We have a mortgage and we are slaves to the bank now – JK guys it’s not that bad. Plus our apartment rent was higher than our mortgage, so there’s that. More space for less money.

P.S. For anyone who doesn’t know, my fiancé (who gets to be the butt of a lot of my jokes and stories on here) David is a cooler, even funnier version of Chip Gaines and he did basically gut and re-do our entire home (I don’t recommend anyone living in a house while it’s being remodeled but that’s beside the point). Click here to see before & after pics of our house and Click here to see more of his work, or contact him!

Chronicles of Cohabitation


UPDATE on my life, if anybody cares. My ~boyfriend~ and I recently made a huge life changing decision to ~move in together~ … ok it’s not that life changing since I was already spending most weekends at his place anyway. But it’s a pretty big step to me.

Anywho… I know not everyone agrees with it… (Dad, I’m talking to you)

How could we do this?

Live together.

Unmarried.

Shacking up.

Living in sin, I know. But hear me out on this one… I can list a million different reasons we chose to live together… I’m not living out of a duffle bag on the weekends, we get to see each other everyday (hello, I kinda like the guy), but the main reason is so that this can be a trial run. A test period, so to speak…

Some old fashion peeps might think an engagement or marriage should come before or along with moving in together… I disagree.

What if we get married, and I find something that irks me… Like, oh, I don’t know, the beard trimmings he leaves in the sink… or the fact that he takes his socks off in the living room and leaves them there? (This is hypothetical, of course)

What if I discover that he is physically incapable of rinsing out the sink or picking up his socks? Or what if he simply refuses to do either of those things as an act of rebellion?

What if I find myself married to a sockless bearded monster who can’t stand the amount of clothes I have? Or the fact that I let clothes sit in the dryer and get all wrinkly again?

This is why I think moving in together is so beneficial. We can test the waters and ask ourselves, “How much do I really love this person? Is it worth picking up his socks? Is he willing to clean his own beard trimmings?”

This is all hypothetical, again.

Breaking up or moving out is one thing. Divorce is quite another. Not that I see either of these things happening in our future. So far, the beard trimmings and socks don’t bother me badly enough. But keep an eye out for more Chronicles of Cohabitation.

7 Ways to Fake Being Skinny When its Too Late


Alright y’all, I’m going to Vegas in like 2 months. I’ve tried every diet out there: Whole30, paleo, counting macros, and nothing seems to work. Probably because I have no backbone and can’t say no when there’s an office party and somebody brought cupcakes, but that’s beside the point.

I’ve alternated my exercise from cardio only, to weights and cardio, I’ve even swapped the treadmill for some good old fashioned hiking trails and bike riding. But no matter what, I always throw in the towel, drink a beer and eat Doritos while I watch Netflix with my boyfriend (who apparently can eat and drink whatever he wants without gaining a pound.) 🙄141H

So here’s my advice for those of you who – like myself – waited until the last minute to care and need a quick fix:

  1. Tan. I’m not sure why, but dark fat tends to look better than white fat. Maybe it gives the appearance on “tone-ness.” Idk, but in my experience, this helps. Tans do fade, though. And memberships can be costly.
  2. Waist train. This is a very temporary fix, and it doesn’t work for everyone (it does work for the Kardashian/Jenners, however). Waist train for 8 hours a day everyday for a week and your organs will be rearranged so that they are no longer where they are supposed to be, thus making you appear empty and skinny. Side affects include nausea, headaches, dizziness and being uncomfortable in general.
  3. Pose deceivingly. If you’re ok with being fat in real life, but want to be a little skinnier on Instagram, angle your body, bend a knee, stick out your butt – and BAM – you’re Instaskinny. This is my favorite tactic, as it requires the least amount of money and effort.
  4. Lighting! Like posing deceivingly – lighting is your friend. Generally, natural, warm lighting is your friend (as opposed to fluorescent or the flash on your iPhone, which will expose your blemishes, rolls and most other flaws you want to hide.) Natural lighting is usually free, but when the sun sets, you may need to purchase one of those overpriced phone cases that lights up when you take a picture.
  5. Contour. If you can afford lots of makeup and aren’t going to swim, sweat, tan or wear white, this might be the option for you. Simply use dark makeup to outline where your muscles would be. Use light makeup to “highlight.” As a bonus, you can give yourself a boob job or butt lift this way too!
  6. Suck it in. If none of those options work for you, you can try the old fashioned “suck it in” trick. Try to relax your face so that you don’t look like you aren’t breathing in photos.
  7. Stop caring. Lastly, if you want to just give up – accept your flubby skin and embrace it. Run around and let it all hang out. You’re probably the only person analyzing your body anyway.

That’s all I got folks. Feel free to share your fake skinny tips in the comments, I could use some pointers.

270H

Just a reminder to count your blessings


I didn’t wanna admit to this bc, well, it’s embarrassing. But I feel like sharing this might make some of you feel better about a recent mishap. I recently bought a mustang, maybe in like August. Brand (2015) new, white Mustang. Premium interior, cream & black leather seats, touch screen – the works, ok? I saved for what felt like an eternity for a down payment and bought it. It was my pride and joy. I wouldn’t let anyone eat or drink in it. I was a obsessed, to say the least. 

Somewhere around October – 2 months into my new life as a glamorous mustang owner, I relied too heavily on that stupid backup camera and didn’t check my blind spot. I scuffed my sisters Honda parked next to me in the driveway. 

My heart shattered. I shed actual tears. “I can’t have anything nice,” I scolded myself, “Why me, God? Why can’t I catch a break?” 

I was angry at myself and my situation. I feel like I always have the worst luck. 

On my way to work that same morning, traffic slowed to a stop, because I take I35 everyday 🙄 and on the side of the road was a man. 

The man reminded me a lot of my great grandpa. Elderly, Hispanic man, standing with his hands on his hips walking around his old beat up Chevy that I’m sure had a lot wrong with it. I could see he was in distress. He was on the phone, presumably calling a towing service or maybe a family member to come help him out. 

And in that moment, I realized how truly blessed I am. I was angry about a scuff on my brand new mustang – my mustang that doesn’t have any mechanical issues. I immediately felt like an ungrateful brat. 

My message isn’t to always remember that someone else may have it worse. It’s simply to count your blessings. 

Be happy you have a nice car that runs fine. Be grateful you have an iPhone to shatter. And most importantly, don’t lose sight of the non-material things – like your relationships and your friends and family. 

I made a handful of resolutions for the new year, and one of them is to count my blessings.

Is it OK to cheat?


I can make this blog about the time I got a text from my boyfriend’s phone in the middle of the night that wasn’t him. I can make it about the time I received screenshots from a guy I was seeing’s girlfriend with details about their sex life. Or the time I broke up with a guy via text message and his EX replied to my message.

Nothing is worse than thinking you’re IT and finding out you’re just a “side piece.” I’ve dated cheaters – habitual and non-habitual. It SUCKS either way.

I’m realizing that this whole cheating thing didn’t just happen to me. In fact, it happens so often (to men and women) it HURTS to talk about.

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But I want to know WHY people do this and maybe, how to avoid it. So I talked to roughly 15 people (men and women) who have either cheated or been cheated on. Here’s how it went:

(BTW, every name in this blog has been changed because, well, who would want to be associated with this blog?)

“I was getting a lot of attention that I wasn’t used to.”- Sarah, 26

“I’ve cheated on almost all of my boy friends… Now that I’m older I realize I was totally out of line and disrespectful to hurt someone like that. Especially when my most recent ex-boyfriend started talking to other girls behind my back.” – Evelyn, 22

“I never saw it as cheating when I was doing it, but when it started happening to me with the same guy… I realized that it IS cheating.” – Alyssa, 24

“She left me and had a baby with him.” – Jordan, 24

“Our relationship did get better after things evened out.” – Russel, 21

 “It’s ironic because she told me if I ever gave her an STD, she would slit my tires. We were starting to get serious when I started getting this burning sensation…. When I told her about it, she told me that she needed to inform two other people.” – Raul, 25

“I found out he cheated and I thought, ‘Well you wanna play that game? So can I.’” – Jennifer, 24

“He had been dating her for about a month before we broke up, while he was living in my home, where I paid all the bills, and bought all the food.” – Emily, 23giphy2

Food for thought:

  • Of the people who agreed to talk to me, 60% were women, 40% were men.
  • All of them have been cheated on, 80% have cheated, and 20% have never cheated.
  • More men were caught cheating, while women usually get away with it.
  • 2 cheated – after learning their partners cheated.
  • 3 said after it happened to them, they wouldn’t do it again.
  • Of those who have cheated, they usually did it multiple times.

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Why did you cheat?

“My boyfriend was timid and didn’t try anything with me. So I hung out with his friend who was very flirty and very touchy and it just happened.” – Sarah, 26

“I was never in love and I was dating too nice of guys. They couldn’t keep up with my partying ways at that time so I moved on mentally without wanting to leave the relationship.” – Evelyn, 21

“I was really insecure about myself and sought other people’s acceptance to boost my self-esteem. No single person could have given me what I needed to stay faithful.” – Alyssa, 24

“I honestly don’t remember why I cheated, I just remember I liked the other girl more and had more similar interests with her.” – Jordan, 24

“I think she cheated because we started our relationship too soon after her and her ex had broken up. Then I cheated out of spite.” – Russel, 21

2002

Do you think it could’ve been avoided? Cheating and/or being cheated on?

Nope, nothing. I was a great girlfriend to him and gave him everything I had. I thought we were doing great. He had me fooled. And no for my ex’s also, I was mentally not in it.” – Evelyn, 22

“There is nothing you can do to stop someone who is struggling with their own issues.” – Alyssa, 24

“I could’ve been a better lover. I was too nice.” – Raul, 25

“I honestly think he cheated because he didn’t really get a lot of attention from girls and when girls were willing to show him attention he flew with it.” – Jennifer, 24

How did it affect the relationship?

“It was essentially the final straw. He broke up with me over Facebook messenger.” – Alyssa, 24

“We stayed in an open relationship for a few more weeks. And it just confused me and made me paranoid so we went separate ways.” – Raul, 25

“She did it first, I did out of spite.  It helped me give us another chance.” – Russel, 21

“It caused me to stay in relationship that wasn’t right for me. It didn’t make me fight with my boyfriend more or anything, but by finding someone else to satisfy the parts of my boyfriend that were “missing,” I was able to sort of…power through.” – Alyssa, 24

“I wondered if I wasn’t pretty enough or lacking something he was trying to find in someone else.” – Carissa, 21

“Other issues led up to that point [breakup] obviously from my insecurities and such things but ultimately it was the cheating.” – Emily, 23

“We broke up and I continued to date the girl I left her for.” – Jordan, 24

2003

When your girl catches you cheating.

Does social media have an impact on cheating?

“FUCK YES” – Jennifer, 24

“It definitely helps… but it doesn’t matter. All the girls he talked to (that I know of) he met at work.” – Evelyn, 22

I think social media opens the door of ambiguity when it comes to cheating. You post all these pictures of yourself and what you’re up to and you get someone saying that you’re beautiful or you look great or you’re funny or whatever…and you begin to think that it’s okay because that’s just what people do. So when someone flirts with you in person, you are more accepting of it. It’s like being desensitized to cheating. Because if I wasn’t on social media and not used to being flirted with by people all the time online, I would be more likely to be like ‘WAIT NO’ if someone did it to me in person.” – Alyssa, 24

“Now social media plays a major role in cheating. Snapchat, twitter, etc. I had a guy tell me he would rather me destroy his phone than release it to his wife because he had been messaging other girls.” – Russel, 21

“I think social media makes it easier because it’s easier to connect with others. But at the same time a lot of people get busted through social media.” – Raul, 25

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A few recurring themes I noticed…

  • Alcohol makes you tell the truth. (And forget to lock your phone.)
  • Women cheat on “nice guys.”
  • Men and women cheat out of spite to get back at someone
  • Social media is an enabler
  • Just about everyone believes that monogamy is realistic!
  • A majority of couples try to make things work afterwards.
  • Most of them weren’t able to, though.

Some say having one partner isn’t natural and that, like animals, humans have natural instincts to have more than one mate. What is your opinion?

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“Penguins mate for life so I don’t want to hear that shit! I think that we are always searching for our other half and maybe I am just a hopeless romantic but once I find my other half, I don’t want to let them go or keep looking for someone else.” – Sarah, 26

“I think if two people are in love, they will make it work naturally.” – Evelyn, 22

“Cheating happens a lot, but I think that ultimately we’re all searching for that one person who satisfies all of our needs but sometimes our feelings get in the way and we are too stubborn to quit a bad relationship, so we cheat and do ridiculous things to try to make it work because we pride ourselves in our loyalty, etc. We ARE animals, sure. But we’re much more complex psychologically than other animals and we have the ability to desire one mate.” – Alyssa, 24

“If you connect with the right person I don’t think you’ll ever need another mate.” – Jordan, 24

“It’s in our nature to find others attractive. It just takes mental strength to say no.” – Raul, 25

“Disagree. Yeah we may have to do some searching before we find “the one” but once we find it we aren’t worried about anyone else.” – Russel, 21

 

And a few other quotes I want to include, just because:

“I just think she enjoyed the attention of other guys. She had a habit of cheating.” – Jordan, 24

“Take a break from all social media during the beginning of the relationship to build each other’s trust.” – Russel, 21

“There were qualities in this guy that I couldn’t live with. He was funny and smart and charismatic, but he wasn’t driven to do anything with his life. So I found myself reaching out to guys who WERE driven.” – Alyssa, 24

“Growing up girls are told ‘That guy’s going to break your heart, that guy’s going to break your heart,’ so it’s like y’all are a little more prepared for heartbreak.” – Raul, 25

“Most women cheat with married men because they both have something to lose.” – Rachel, 21

The facts remain that:

  • Women find out EVERYTHING, while men only find out some things.
  • My mom had a point when she’d ask, “Why do young girls like to eat shit?”
  • Nice guys finish last.
  • Pretty much everyone (men and women) believes cheating can be physical and emotional.
  • Chronic cheaters are a real thing – steer clear.

The verdict is that… If someone cheats on you, it’s usually not your fault (unless you cheated first… then it probably could’ve been avoided.) If he or she cheats on you and you decide to take him or her back, your chances of being cheated on again increase by 98% (I’m making this up but it seems reasonable, right?) Anyway, idk if this helped you or just made you hate the opposite sex even more… I hope it did both, tbh.

 

5 Things You Should Leave in 2015


In 2015 I turned 21. I quit sneaking into bars and arguing with bouncers about my address. In 2015 I graduated college. I quit calling myself a student and writing essays for money. In 2015 I got a real job. I quit sleeping ’till 2pm everyday. Continue reading

A letter to my high school self


Hi,

I’m you in a few years. I know you’re extremely busy, but I really want to give you some advice. I’m only 21 as I write this, but I do feel like I’ve learned a thing or two since high school. You’re really focused on your peers right now. Your boyfriend and cheerleading are, like, the most important things to you. But I know how high school ends, so trust me on this. Continue reading

NO ONE PAID ME TO WRITE THIS BLOG, but they should have


Holy stinkin’ crap you guys. I’m writing this purely out of the kindness of my heart. I’ve got to give you a little background info before I tell you why I’m freaking out though. Continue reading