Conversations with a 5-year-old: Why do we have nipples?

This week on Conversations with Baby, we touched on the topic of breastfeeding.

Before you all start judging me about what a terrible person I am for telling my 5-year-old sister about breast-feeding, you should know that she was unknowingly molesting my dog.

Rewind to a couple days ago, when Baby came up to me holding my poor little mutt around the middle. Luna was struggling to get out of the sticky 5-year-old’s hands, but Baby wasn’t having it.

“What are THESE?” She exclaimed, “LUNA HAS BUMPS ON HER STOMACH!”
She continued, “Daddy, what are these?” as she rubbed the bumps on Luna’s stomach.

My dad’s eyes got wide and he burst into hysterical laughter. Meanwhile Luna is still struggling, becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the 5-year-old caressing her nipples.

“Baby, don’t touch those.”

“Why not?”

“Those are Luna’s nipples.”

Since we’ve already had the nipple conversation, it only took a second for her to understand that she was touching Luna’s “private parts.” But still, her face registered a look of confusion.

“Hang on…” she puts her tiny fingers on her chin, “Why does Luna have six nipples and I only have two?”


I’m not sure how to proceed, but in the past I’ve learned that honesty is the best policy because if I make something up, it’ll come back to haunt me.

Like, “I thought you said Netflix doesn’t have cartoons?”

So I explained to her that dogs can have a lot of puppies at once, so they need more nipples than us.

This created even more confusion.

“How come they need nipples to have puppies?”

And so, I told her. I told her the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

That babies are born out of our nipples.

Advice, glamorous, life, millennial, personal essay, reasons, Relationships, Uncategorized

Just a reminder to count your blessings

I didn’t wanna admit to this bc, well, it’s embarrassing. But I feel like sharing this might make some of you feel better about a recent mishap. I recently bought a mustang, maybe in like August. Brand (2015) new, white Mustang. Premium interior, cream & black leather seats, touch screen – the works, ok? I saved for what felt like an eternity for a down payment and bought it. It was my pride and joy. I wouldn’t let anyone eat or drink in it. I was a obsessed, to say the least. 

Somewhere around October – 2 months into my new life as a glamorous mustang owner, I relied too heavily on that stupid backup camera and didn’t check my blind spot. I scuffed my sisters Honda parked next to me in the driveway. 

My heart shattered. I shed actual tears. “I can’t have anything nice,” I scolded myself, “Why me, God? Why can’t I catch a break?” 

I was angry at myself and my situation. I feel like I always have the worst luck. 

On my way to work that same morning, traffic slowed to a stop, because I take I35 everyday 🙄 and on the side of the road was a man. 

The man reminded me a lot of my great grandpa. Elderly, Hispanic man, standing with his hands on his hips walking around his old beat up Chevy that I’m sure had a lot wrong with it. I could see he was in distress. He was on the phone, presumably calling a towing service or maybe a family member to come help him out. 

And in that moment, I realized how truly blessed I am. I was angry about a scuff on my brand new mustang – my mustang that doesn’t have any mechanical issues. I immediately felt like an ungrateful brat. 

My message isn’t to always remember that someone else may have it worse. It’s simply to count your blessings. 

Be happy you have a nice car that runs fine. Be grateful you have an iPhone to shatter. And most importantly, don’t lose sight of the non-material things – like your relationships and your friends and family. 

I made a handful of resolutions for the new year, and one of them is to count my blessings.


Chick-fil-a Ruined My Relationship


Alright, Chick-fil-a… If your ultimate goal in creating the creamy goodness that is Chick-fil-a sauce was to ruin relationships, welp, you dunnit.

That’s right, it’s YOUR fault my boyfriend won’t speak to me. He told me we needed some time apart because he was absolutely in shock at my behavior.

Let me rewind so you know how we got to this point:

‘Twas early on a Saturday morning and I was craving Chicken Minis.

My ever-so-handsome and understanding boyfriend was happy to oblige, as he too loves Chicken Minis.

You had a line around the store, as usual. Can’t complain, we’re all here for the same thing… Or so I thought.

You see, I’ve developed a love for your Chick-fil-a sauce. I first tried it with nuggets, then waffle fries and soon, I dipped a Chicken Mini into the sweet and spicy flavorful sauce. I’ve developed an addiction, I now realize. I won’t go anywhere else for nuggets, or chicken of any kind, really. Because honestly, what is Chicken without Chick-fil-a sauce?

I wasn’t even bothered when you changed your barbeque sauce, to be honest, I didn’t even know you had barbeque sauce.

Back to my story: My sweetie pulled through the drive through and made our orders, two orders of chicken minis, the little hashbrowns and a couple of black coffees – YUM.

It had never occurred to me that my uncultured boyfriend wouldn’t think to ask the girl at the window for Chick-fil-a sauce. Because – really – who goes to Chick-fil-a and doesn’t get their sauce?

We pulled out of the window and I reach in the bag for a hashbrown and – wait, what? Hold on – there’s no Chick-fil-a sauce in here! Turn around, they forgot our sauce!

“No,” he said, “I’m going to be late for work.”

“Please,” I begged, “I can’t eat breakfast without it.”

“You should’ve spoken up,” he reasoned, “They asked us twice.”

“I DID NOT HEAR THAT!” I screamed, the anger setting in.

“OK, you’re gonna have to calm down,” he kept driving away.

“I’m sick, I’m going to be sick,” tears filled my eyes.

“It’s just sauce, we have barbeque at the house,” he replied, not even realizing what he just said.

“I reached for the steering wheel and yanked it towards Chick-fil-a, the truck fishtailed and rolled over a concrete barrier. I grabbed the bag of smushed Minis and ran, red-faced towards Chick-fil-a.

I sprinted to the counter

“Miss, are you alright?”

“I need 2 packages of Chick-fil-a sauce, please and thank you.” Tears stained my face.

“My pleasure…” replied a confused cashier, as he handed me my sauce.

I ran back to the truck, lying on its side. Surrounded by police officers, he pointed at me.

“There she is, sir,” his voice shook, “She’s crazy, she’s really crazy.”

I ate my Chicken Minis in the back of a police car and I don’t have a boyfriend anymore, but most importantly, I got my sauce.


In other news…

In spite of all the election coverage, here are some things to think about for the next couple of days. You know, instead of arguing with your friends/family on Facebook.

    • The Dallas Cowboys are 7 and 1 right now. NFL: Cincinnati Bengals at Dallas Cowboys
    • A woman represented a major party in a presidential election (even though she didn’t win, it’s still HUGE)1244530192_hillary_dancing
    • Marijuana was legalized in several states (either recreational or medicinal) yesterday
    • And if you get the munchies, Domino’s has a 2 for $5.99 each coupon that is basically a steal.tumblr_mqlhrbomps1sp9fcho1_500
    • The Chicago Cubs won the World Series for the first time in like a century.
    • Jojo (from like 2008) dropped another album and it’s actually pretty catchy. If you don’t know who Jojo is then just leave… get out… right now… it’s the end of you and me.giphy-1
    • MAC cosmetics FINALLY released a line of makeup
      dedicated to Selena Quintanilla. If you don’t know who that is… Google her and learn all there is to know, please.gif-gifs-music-selena-favim-com-1617751
    • Beyonce performed at the CMAs and people were PISSED.giphy
    • Kylie Jenner is basically a business woman – given the success of her cosmetic line – just let that sink in.
    • Chick-fil-a brought back the old barbecue sauce… Woo hoo!
    • Bucc-ee’s has cakeballs, in case you didn’t know that.
    • If you’re still mad, watch this video of Miley Cyrus accepting Donald Trump as her president. It’s kinda funny. Sad, but funny.

      Miley to Hillary rn…

Also we still have Thanksgiving to look forward to, so try to be optimistic.


5 Ways to Celebrate #NationalBoyfriendDay

Let me start off by saying that I spend an exessive amount of time on social media… Today Twitter told me that it was #NationalBoyfriendDay … *insert eye roll emoji* Leave it to Twitter to come up with a holiday that

  1. Makes you feel obligated to post a Man Crush Monday photo OR
  2. Reminds you of the fact that you’re mind numbingly single and no one has even noticed that you haven’t shaved your armpits in a week

Anyway, I came up with a couple sure fire ways to celebrate this holiday whether you’re in a relationship or not.

  1. Dinner/Drinks. Treat your beau to a nice fancy dinner. Chili’s has a coupon. Like, always. If you’re single, meet up with the gals for happy hour and some appetizers that are fried/stuffed with cheese and embrace the fact that you don’t have a boyfriend.
  2. A romantic night in. Bake your man some cookies. Step 1, buy some cookies at the store. Step 2, lay them out on a plate and throw the packaging away. If you’re single, buy the cookies (no need to throw the package away) – and also buy milk. And some wine. Invite the girls over for a chick flick marathon.
  3. A nice gift. Treat him to a sentimental gift. Target has scented candles if his room always smells. If you’re single, take your girls to the mall with you and treat yourself to a new pair of shoes.
  4. Photo tribute. Make a nice pic collage for Instagram and talk about how great the last 6 months have been. If you’re single, get the gals to bring any pics of their exes to your house. Light scented candles and BURN BABY BURN.
  5. Create a care package. Put some beef jerky and a 6 pack of beer in a basket. If you’re single – Single girl care package: Face mask, Hershey’s Chocolate, wine, the movie How to Be Single.

So that’s all I got. What are some of y’all’s fave ways to celebrate this holiday that didn’t even exist last year?


6 Things Girls My Age Should Stop Doing

Being a female in your twenties is tough. Half my Facebook friends are posting pics of their weddings and videos of their babies learning to crawl. The other half are Snapchatting videos of strangers pouring liquor into their mouths. It’s like, WHERE DO I FIT IN?

I’m basically halfway adulting. I’ve created a list of things to STOP doing, you know, to help myself become a responsible adult. Here goes…


  • Living paycheck to paycheck.200 Nothing beats peace of mind. Build up a savings /emergency fund. Learn to keep a couple hundred (or thousand, but we’ll start small) dollars in your bank account. Nothing is worse than standing at the gas pump worrying about whether or not your card is going to work.
  • Hating all men2001
    Stop living by Sex and the City quotes
    (literally, me) and own up to the fact that you don’t always have the best judgment. Tell yourself you dated jerks intentionally, to teach yourself  a lesson. Finally, acknowledge the fact that there are good guys out there. And wait. Patiently.
  • Drinking until you vomit. giphy1Stop poisoning your body. The hangovers are terrible and you (more often than not) lose an entire day recovering. Save heavy drinking for special occasions. Like New Year’s Eve. Or Vegas. Or New Year’s Eve in Vegas.
  • Putting materials before your well-being. You shouldn’t have an $80 manicure but not be able to afford gas. Or groceries. Say it with me: POLISH CHANGE.
  • Bashing your former or current beau. giphyI’m totally guilty of this. Regardless of what you’re trying to achieve – stop. Especially if you don’t seriously plan on ending it. Don’t give your parents, sisters and all your girlfriends a reason to hate your SO. They can find them on their own. LOL
  • Speaking of bashing… Stop airing your dirty laundry on Facebook. Or Twitter. Or Instagram. Most people don’t care about your problems. The ones who ARE reading your overly dramatic posts are probably sending screenshot to their friends. Trust me on this.

Ok, ok I think I’ve limited myself enough for the next few years. Idk.


Leave Me Alone (please)

I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now. A few months ago, I left work for lunch and went to Jason’s Deli. I like Jason’s Deli. They have a salad bar and you can pay for it at a little kiosk by the front door. In other words, you can avoid the line – and even better, you can avoid the people. Or so you would think.

I quickly paid for my overpriced salad and squeezed past the man in a business suit, who watched me (in awe) as if he’d never seen a kiosk or a self-checkout at Walmart before.

“That pretty neat, isn’t it? How you can pay on there,” he gestures toward the machine.

“Yeah it’s pretty convenient,” I respond, now squeezing past an older lady standing at the register simultaneously holding a child (who must be 6 years old) and digging through her purse that could probably fit said child inside.

“Oh, honey your hair is gorgeous.”
“Thank you,” I politely respond, with a smile.

“I can never get mine to grow that long,” she continues, “Mine is so fine. Like baby hair. And thin. Oh – it must take you ages to blow dry.”
“Yeah, it’s a blessing and a curse, I guess.” I casually laugh and continue down to the end of the line and grab the tray that is waiting for me with an empty plate and a water cup.

I prepare my salad and wait behind a tall blonde girl with an iPhone glued to the side of her face. She laughs at a joke someone tells her and leans on her hip, still holding onto the ladle for the balsamic vinaigrette that I’m waiting for.

I wait patiently, as I have an unlimited amount of time for lunch. That’s a joke – I totally have a time limit for lunch and this lady is sort of pissing me off. She unglues the phone from her face and reglues it to the other side, “Anyway I’ve already got my food – are you almost here?” I settle on Italian dressing and pick up my tray and search for the smallest table I can find – being a party of one.

I eat my lunch almost in peace. The business man and his friend sit at a table next to me and he leans over, “Wow, you’re already done and I just sat down. I’ll have to try that machine up there someday!”

“Yup, it’s pretty useful!” I smile and walk out. In the parking lot I run into a fellow colleague. We exchange hellos and I get into my car.

When I get back from lunch I have an email from the colleague I ran into. In a nutshell, he felt bad for me because I was eating by myself. 😦 The email was supposed to serve as an open invitation to come and eat with him and his lunch buddy whenever I felt like it. “I know sitting by yourself isn’t fun so just let me know!”

No. No. No.

Sitting by myself isn’t fun. It’s peaceful. What isn’t peaceful is being constantly interrupted when I’m trying to enjoy something I hardly ever get to do – a meal by myself. Where I can stalk people on social media or read a book or listen to music without being interrupted. I don’t mind being alone. I actually enjoy it.

Last weekend I went to BJ’s and had a salad and a mojito on the patio – that’s right, you guessed it – BY MYSELF. And guess what, I was completely comfortable and confident in doing so.

Maybe this makes me kind of anti-social or rude. But doing stuff solo is cool. More people should try it.


Not even to ask “Whatcha listening to?” or “What book is that?”

Nothing irks me more.

Ok I’m done. Idk what the point of this blog was.


Why There Wasn’t a Second Date

We’ve all been there. You go out with someone and it seems great. You met up (or he picks you up or you guys fly together on his broomstick, whatever.) You have dinner or drinks and possibly share a romantic dessert that you know you shouldn’t be eating. It seems like you’re making decent conversation. You look forward to hearing from him or her again… andddd nothing.


He or she either ghosted on you or sent you the “Look, you’re a great guy…” text. It sucks, I know. I’ve been on both ends of this, and I know how confusing it can be. So I came up with a list – yes, a list – of reasons he or she might’ve decided against another date.

  1. It just wasn’t there. You spent more time talking about the waiter than anything else.There wasn’t chemistry. Maybe they thought you were boring. Who knows? You can’t force these things. If the attraction and chemistry isn’t there, sorry bout cha.
  2. You wore sweats. A friend of mine met up with a guy from Tinder and he wore sweatpants – yes, SWEATPANTS – to their date. It doesn’t matter if they were freaking GUCCI, they were sweatpants. And FYI, the date wasn’t at the gym or a yoga studio. I wouldn’t wear Nike shorts, don’t freaking wear sweatpants.
  3. You showed red flags of some sort. trumpfacesI actually went on a date once and the guy’s phone was on Bluetooth, connected to his car. And it started ringing and it was some chick’s name on the navigation system. I blew it off. Until we got back in the car to leave and then it rang again and a different girl’s name showed up. Like, come on, at least disconnect your phone.
  4. You revealed you had kids. Unfortunately, this is a deal breaker for some women. If you’re 30, dating a 20 year old, don’t be surprised if she grimaces when you mention kids. Also, ladies, if you’re 20 dating a 30 year old, don’t be surprised if he has kids – or an ex-wife.
  5. You were cuter in photos. In today’s day and age, chances are your date has already found you on Instagram and scrolled back 80+ weeks. If you meet up and look nothing like your pictures, there’s gonna be a problem.
  6. You smoked (in the car). A friend of mine said no to a second date because he smoked in the car. For some people, it’s just a turnoff.
  7. You called and texted constantly after the date. Give each other some time to decide how it went. If you immediately sent a text inquiring about the next date, it might make you come off as clingy or desperate. Don’t be those things.
  8. Whoever initiated the date didn’t pay. giphy1If a guy asks me out, I’m sorry, I expect him to pay. Call me old fashioned. If I ask a guy to hangout, I might pay or split the bill. Idk tbh bc I’m kinda cheap.
  9. You didn’t tip well. This is a major deal breaker if one of you is or was in the service industry at any point in time. It makes you look cheap. Know tipping etiquette!
  10. You couldn’t put your phone down. It’s rude and annoying. Get off your phone for at least the first few dates. Actually, stay off your phone on all dates, if you can.
  11. She scoped out your Instagram… and didn’t like what she saw. 200If you’re constantly partying and posing with women with huge breasts, she might be a little intimidated. Or just think you’re a sleaze. Keep it clean, especially when it comes to drinking and posting with members of the opposite sex.
  12. Language was dirtier than the establishment. So you went to a dive bar… And she cussed like a sailor. Some people find that unattractive. My dad thinks ladies shouldn’t drop F bombs every other sentence. But have any of you met my mom?
  13. You wanted to take a picture together – on the first date. Umm, no. This is just a no. It’s kinda weird, particularly if it’s your first time meeting.
  14. You talked too much. giphy You felt like conversation was flowing freely, but really it was just you. And that’s just it. You wouldn’t shut up and let him or her talk. Aim for the conversations to be about 50/50.
  15. You texted her, “you up?” at 2am. Lol I’ve also had this happen to me after a date. Just, no. That’s one way to get blocked, my friends.2001
  16. You were rude to the wait staff. This kinda goes along with the tipping etiquette. Plus you can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat the server, bartender, etc.
  17. You showed up late. Whether you guys decided on a time two weeks ago or two hours ago, don’t be late. If you think you can’t be ready by 7, tell him 7:30. Don’t keep people waiting.
  18. You talked like a walking thesaurus. FullSizeRenderSeriously, give it a rest. Don’t try too hard to impress someone with your extensive vocabulary. You sound ridiculous.
  19. You brought up your ex. This seems like a no brainer, but it’s honestly not. Unless your date specifically asks, “What about your last relationship?” DON’T BRING IT UP. I had a date ask me about my ex once, and it annoyed me. Like please don’t bring up that lying cheating bastard while I’m eating cheese fries. Just please don’t.

Anyway, I think that’s a decent list. If you think of any, leave them in the comments. I love hearing bad date horror stories. Haha.


What I’ve Learned Being Single

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m always in a relationship. Ever since my first boyfriend EVER cheated on me (cheating actually happens in middle school, it’s really disheartening, I know LOL) I’ve been bouncing from relationship to relationship. I’m not sure what it is. Maybe I like having a go-to person to spend all of my time with. Maybe I hate the idea of being alone. giphyBut I kid you not, the longest I’ve ever been “single” is like 2 weeks, and even then, there was always someone I was giving my attention to. Until now. Continue reading “What I’ve Learned Being Single”