As many of you know, David and I are planning our wedding (and when I say “David and I,” I mean “I.” We’re down to the wire and at this point, I’ll be happy if the food is hot and the music is loud. I am over it.
My sister got married a few short months ago (I know, poor mom and dad – right?) and lucky me – I got to be the Maid of Honor. What. An. Honor. Am I right? I got to plan the showers and clean up after the wedding was over. I got to help her in and out of her dress so she could pee. It was truly a great experience.
LOL. I know, I know, I’m a jerk. It actually wasn’t that terrible. I got to be involved in so much and I am truly grateful for the experience. One thing that caught be off guard, however, was the speech. Didn’t you know? The Best Man and Maid of Honor have to give a speech! (So did my dad, and I won’t even go into that train wreck – kidding, dad, I love you.) Let’s just say that none of us are professional public speakers. Speaking a little from experience and a lot from fear, here are some basic wedding speech rules I came up with.
- Don’t mention exes. “We all thought she’d marry the guy before you, thank God she didn’t.” Even if it’s a compliment, just… don’t.
- Don’t steal the spotlight. “By the way, I’m getting married in 3 months, we hope to see you all there!” Don’t announce you’re pregnant and for God’s sake, do NOT propose (unless I guess you received approval from the bride and groom)
- Don’t talk for too long. It’s a toast, not a commencement speech. Give your toast and get on with it – the rest of us are hungry!
- Don’t make weird jokes. “As many of you know, I actually dated the bride first…” (If this isn’t a joke, then definitely don’t mention it.)
- Also, don’t make inside jokes. Nobody gets them but you. Save them for later when all eyes aren’t on you.
- Don’t embarrass the bride or groom. “If only you all could’ve been at the bachelor party… We might not be here today!” HA. HA. HA. If you have something to say, do it in private, please.
- Don’t give TMI. Nobody needs to know that the bride and groom hooked up on the first date or that they broke up once before. This is a proud moment, don’t ruin it trying to be funny.
- Don’t be skeptical (or at least don’t show it). “You know, 50% of all marriages end in divorce.” Yes, we know but a lot of people spent a lot of money on this day so keep your negative factoids to yourself.
- Don’t be drunk. Try to keep it together until after your big speech, for everyone’s sake. Nobody wants to listen to a drunk babbling best man talk about how he never thought “this guy would settle down.”
- Don’t forget to speak from the heart. These two crazy kids are in love and they chose you to stand beside them on their special day. That counts for something, right?