Alright y’all, I’m going to Vegas in like 2 months. I’ve tried every diet out there: Whole30, paleo, counting macros, and nothing seems to work. Probably because I have no backbone and can’t say no when there’s an office party and somebody brought cupcakes, but that’s beside the point.
I’ve alternated my exercise from cardio only, to weights and cardio, I’ve even swapped the treadmill for some good old fashioned hiking trails and bike riding. But no matter what, I always throw in the towel, drink a beer and eat Doritos while I watch Netflix with my boyfriend (who apparently can eat and drink whatever he wants without gaining a pound.) 🙄
So here’s my advice for those of you who – like myself – waited until the last minute to care and need a quick fix:
- Tan. I’m not sure why, but dark fat tends to look better than white fat. Maybe it gives the appearance on “tone-ness.” Idk, but in my experience, this helps. Tans do fade, though. And memberships can be costly.
- Waist train. This is a very temporary fix, and it doesn’t work for everyone (it does work for the Kardashian/Jenners, however). Waist train for 8 hours a day everyday for a week and your organs will be rearranged so that they are no longer where they are supposed to be, thus making you appear empty and skinny. Side affects include nausea, headaches, dizziness and being uncomfortable in general.
- Pose deceivingly. If you’re ok with being fat in real life, but want to be a little skinnier on Instagram, angle your body, bend a knee, stick out your butt – and BAM – you’re Instaskinny. This is my favorite tactic, as it requires the least amount of money and effort.
- Lighting! Like posing deceivingly – lighting is your friend. Generally, natural, warm lighting is your friend (as opposed to fluorescent or the flash on your iPhone, which will expose your blemishes, rolls and most other flaws you want to hide.) Natural lighting is usually free, but when the sun sets, you may need to purchase one of those overpriced phone cases that lights up when you take a picture.
- Contour. If you can afford lots of makeup and aren’t going to swim, sweat, tan or wear white, this might be the option for you. Simply use dark makeup to outline where your muscles would be. Use light makeup to “highlight.” As a bonus, you can give yourself a boob job or butt lift this way too!
- Suck it in. If none of those options work for you, you can try the old fashioned “suck it in” trick. Try to relax your face so that you don’t look like you aren’t breathing in photos.
- Stop caring. Lastly, if you want to just give up – accept your flubby skin and embrace it. Run around and let it all hang out. You’re probably the only person analyzing your body anyway.
That’s all I got folks. Feel free to share your fake skinny tips in the comments, I could use some pointers.