I spend most of my work day on social media. It’s my job. In fact, before I even check my email in the mornings, I check to see what’s trending on Twitter. I login to Facebook to see if I missed anything important. It’s my life. As I spend at least 40 hours a week on social media, I think it’s safe to say that I’ve seen my share of idiots.
I came up with a list of Social Media… Commandments. You could even call it social media etiquette… I’m just trying to sound nice.. Because writing this actually really pissed me off.
- Thou shall not send candy crush requests. You guys, I’m so serious when I say that this is the most annoying shit I’ve ever experienced in my life. Besides when the toilet automatically flushes and I’m still sitting on it. I really don’t care if you’re my friend, or coworker or aunt. If you send me one more damn game request, I will permanently delete you from my friends list, and I won’t even feel bad about it.
- Thou shall not publicize your relationship. So and so got engaged to so and so. Wow, so cool. Except when it changes to So and so went from being engaged to single. : – ( Or what about when people post Facebook statuses about how they’re “So done with this bullshit, my baby daddy is trash.” SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP, you two will more than likely be back together tomorrow, and I honestly don’t care either way.
- Thou shall not share your finances. Maybe you’re proud that you got a raise or a promotion, or a new job. Fine, share the good news. But please DON’T share a dollar amount. Whether it’s $8 or $30 an hour, DON’T share it. I read an article somewhere that said Identity Thieves Love Millennials because we put all of our personal information online. So stop posting pictures of direct deposits, account statements and, yes, even job offers.
- Thou shall not virtually ‘poke’ me. It’s creepy, just don’t. Especially if I don’t know you very well. I honestly never understood the ‘poke’ thing. I don’t even like being poked in real life, so yeah.
- Thou shall not share nudity or porn.If you share a video of a topless girl jumping up and down in slow motion, I will treat you like the candy crush requesters. Yes, even if we’re family.
- Thou shall not be hateful about politics. Unless you’re talking about Donald Trump, be respectful. Not everyone on welfare is looking for a handout, and not every Republican is a rich old white man. I could be wrong, maybe social media was invented to judge and ridicule people of a certain demographic. Idk, I use it to post selfies.
- Thou shall not send me unsolicited product offers. No matter how great this cool new product is, I don’t care. Unless I ask about it myself, don’t send me messages and don’t post on my wall. You’ll know if I’m interested. So take your all natural 100% organic supplements elsewhere.
- Thou shall not create an invalid GoFundMe account. If you create a GoFundMe account to fund your college education or your wedding, I hate you. Go into debt like the rest of us and quit asking for money. I worked full time, applied for scholarships and took out one small loan of a million dollars. (Ha, jk.) But seriously, this is uncool and it takes away from all of the other REAL tragedies on GoFundMe.
- Though shall not troll. If you truly have nothing better to do with your life than make fake accounts just to be an ass, I feel sorry for you. You have serious issues and I hope you seek psychological treatment as soon as possible.
- Thou shall not complain. About your relationship status, your job or your life in general. If you’re alone on New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day, no one cares. If you want to quit your job so bad, but you’re just going to post a Facebook status instead, no one cares. Be thankful you have access to the internet.
I hate to sound insensitive, but I am. I probably break some of these commandments every now and then. I’m sure no one cares that my little sister can talk now. Just how I don’t care that your newborn baby is asleep and you can finally watch Scandal. Maybe I should give up on social media and become Amish. Idk.