New Years Resolutions You’re Gonna Break

2016 is right around the corner and we’re all trying to think of “good” New Year’s Resolutions to make.

“New year, new me.”

No. Stop. You’re the same person you were last year. Except older and sometimes fatter. Give up the cliche resolutions that you’re not gonna keep.

  1. Eat healthy. You’ve made this resolution before, forget it. You have a chubby soul. So don’t even try to count calories or eat yogurt and side salads. You’re not gonna stick with it. So eat your mashed potatoes and watch Bob’s Burgers.
  2. Exercise. Again, you have a chubby soul. I’m all for exercising more. But it seriously sucks. There’s not enough time in the day. Plus if you start exercising everyday, there’s not really time for you to go to happy hour, sooo…
  3. Stop drinking. As if. Maybe I’ll try to give up energy drinks or sodas. Except coffee. And soda water, of course. I gotta drink my vodka with something
  4. Stop cursing. This is a stupid ass resolution anyway. Who cares if you offend people? Be yourself, it’s a free country. I can’t think of a less violent way to express my anger, anyway.
  5. Save money. You might want to start pinching pennies right after the holidays, but guess what? You’re fat from all the turkey you ate and you need new pants. So splurge on some skinny jeans that’ll only fit you for a month. Since you’re gonna “get fit” and all.
  6. Quit [insert bad habit here] This totally depends on what you consider to be a “Bad habit.” Smoking? Yes, ditch it. Sleeping in? No. Don’t do that to yourself. It’s rude. My three year old sister came into my room at like 2am last night, I damn near kicked her down the stairs. Don’t take sleep from me.

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