6 Reasons You Don’t Need a Boyfriend

  1. They pay for your stuff. Who even wants this? It’s 2015. IMG_1033Hello, feminism. I’d much rather buy my own vodka soda than let some arrogant loser insist on paying for it. Ugh. I hate gentlemanly gestures.
  2. They drive. Nope. Not having it. I drive myself around perfectly fine and I’ve only been in three wrecks and had six speeding tickets. I don’t need a man to drive me around. I’m independent.
  3. They take up ALL OF YOUR TIME. Seriously. In the time I spend watching Netflix and going to dinners with my boyfriend, I could be sleeping or mowing the lawn. You’re a lot more productive when you’re alone.
  4. Boyfriends are needy. They need everything. They need your time and love and approval. Who wants someone who seeks their approval? I’d much rather just casually date someone who blows me off and forgets to text back. *Some boyfriends will do this; you have to specially request it.
  5. They expect you to shave your legs. Ok really though. Why waste time on a significant other who wants you to be the best you? Being single lets me get fat and forget to get my eyebrows done.
  6. They fix your stuff. My boyfriend changed my brake light today and it seriously pissed me off. I didn’t even give him permission to do it. Now I won’t get pulled over by a cop and I really wanted to.

So basically boyfriends are beyond useless. In fact, I think we should just abolish marriage completely. Women can fend for themselves in this country. We can vote and procreate without the help of any man. #FEMINISM

How to be a Grownup (for twenty somethings)

I’m 21 and I still live at my parents house, so technicallyFullSizeRender I’m just a really old teenager. Nonetheless, twenty-somethings are all different. This is a really weird time when everyone you grew up with is doing different things. Some twenty-somethings are in college, others are graduated. Some just enlisted in the military, and lots are getting married. A few twenty-somethings have kids, and some are studying abroad. This is a time where you kinda have to get your shit together. Not entirely though. (That’s what thirties are for)

Here’s how I’m sort of halfway attempting to become an adult.

  • Keeping up with bills. This is a lot harder than it sounds. I’m not sure how many bills the average person has but I feel like mine are endless. They’re spread all throughout the month. It’s as if God did this so I never feel too comfortable with my finances. 🙂 I’m finally paying off the credit cards I “accidentally” maxed out in college. But every time I get close, I get a speeding ticket or a flat tire. Or I just really needed a vodka soda after work… Whatever, I’m getting there.
  • Healthcare and a 401k. I’m not entirely sure how a 401k even works. But my job has one. I went ahead and filled out the paperwork for the maximum amount I can contribute because I like to believe that I’ll be rich when I retire. Regardless of whether or not that will be the case. I’ve got health insurance now too. Which is a total joke. What the hell is a deductible, anyway?
  • Trying to pay rent. Parents as landlords are kind of a joke, honestly.  Unless yours are like really hardcore, it’s super easy to get out of paying rent. I’m usually pretty broke and my mom feels bad for me and doesn’t mention it. Occasionally she’s like, “So maybe you should start paying rent next month.” Whereas I’m like “Dang, I would but I just bought new tires :(” #Adulting
    Disclaimer: Parents, don't let your twenty-something move back in. They'll never pay rent and you'll feel guilty asking for it.

Anyway if you have any idea how a 401k works and you pay rent to a landlord or even your parents, you’re already a step ahead of me. So, I’m not engaged or responsible enough to take care of a baby? I’m just proud I can balance a checkbook.

LOL JK what’s a checkbook?

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Ways

I like talking relationships. I really wanted to write something that could help people better their relationships. This blog started out as a kind of “how-to” on making relationships last. But I quickly realized that this is not my area of expertise. My area of expertise actually happens to be the opposite. Some of this is knowledge from personal experience and some of it is stuff I’ve heard from my girlfriends. So here it is, ladies and gentlemen. How to lose a guy in 10 ways.

  1. Stalk. Snoop. This is number one for a reason. Going through your guy’s phone or emails or whatever is going to end in one of two ways:Capture

One, you’re going to find something you don’t like. Maybe you’ll find out that he’s been cheating on you or that he’s been lying about where he is because he doesn’t want you to get mad, which you will. You’ll find SOMETHING. I can almost guarantee it.

Two, he’ll catch you in the act. That’s right, your guy is gonna wake up while you’re creeping through his Facebook messages and deleting numbers of girls you don’t like -AND HE’S GONNA FLIP SHIT.  Don’t do it. If you feel like you need to go through his messages, why are you even dating the guy?

  1. Not be domestic. This is so sad and I wish it weren’t even a thing. But unfortunately men want their women to cook and clean.. most do, anyway. Trust me, I’m far from domestic. I hate cleaning and I can only make tacos and spaghetti. I only recently mastered the art of breakfast tacos. I’m 21 and I still rely on my mom to cook for me. I’ll probably be single forever. Some women luck out though. My grandma did. My grandpa does these things for her. I know, right? A man who cooks and cleans? Where can I get one?…
  1. Dislike his mother. This is especially true in Hispanic men. For some reason these guys are total mama’s boys and just can’t seem to let go. They trust their mother’s judgment. So if you’re intimidated when you meet a guy’s mom… YOU SHOULD BE. Kiss ass, but be discreet. And don’t be too lovey dovey with your beau in front of her. He might not care, but she probably does. Depending on how serious you guys are, his mom’s opinion might matter more than yours.
  1. Get too close too fast. Guys are weird in this way. They freak out at the slightest hint of an actual relationship. If he comes home from work and you’re already there hanging out with his sister, it might make him a little nervous. Be careful around his friends, for a different reason. In my experience, a guy doesn’t care for you to hang out with his friends without him. It kinda breaks some sort of guy code.
  1. Call/text constantly. I’m guilty of this, but I’m working on it. Who am I kidding? No I’m not. But really. It’s not attractive to blow up your guy’s phone. It makes you seem needy and dependent. Do your own thing, hang out with girlfriends. It’ll make him appreciate his time with you.
  1. Play hard to get. This is the opposite of #5. While guys might not want you to be too available to him, he also probably won’t appreciate you purposely ignoring him and making him feel unimportant. Don’t play games! If you like him let it be known! Just don’t throw yourself at him.
  1. Be jealous. This goes both ways. No one wants a boyfriend or girlfriend who is overly jealous. A little jealous is ok. It’s healthy. It means you care. But don’t question him about a girl who followed him on Instagram or show up to his job to check on him because you hate that pretty girl he works with. It makes you seem crazy. And maybe you are, but no one has to know that.
  1. Let yourself go. For all things superficial and shallow, don’t let yourself go. He’s probably not gonna dump you and say “It’s because you got fat.” But he might lose interest and say “I’m just not feeling it anymore.” And it may or may not be because you quit wearing makeup and started wearing sweats.
  1. Compare him. This is so huge. I should move it to #2 but I’m too lazy. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES compare him to your ex.. or anyone else, for that matter. It’s insulting. Don’t be paranoid because your last boyfriend cheated on you. It’s not his fault. Let it go. If you’re still not over it, maybe you’re not ready to date just yet. No one wants to be held accountable for someone else’s wrong doing.
  1. Be a diva. He’s a boyfriend not an ATM. Don’t set your expectations too high when it comes to gifts and dates. Unless you’re dating Bill Gates or Warren Buffet, be considerate. And ladies, it’s OK to pick up the tab every once in a while. He’ll appreciate when you do, unless he’s one of those super old fashioned guys who insist on paying every time. In which case, I’d probably let him.

That’s all I got. There’s a ton of other ways to lose a guy, I’m sure of it. But it was actually hard for me to come up with these 10. I really wanted ten, because, well. If you clicked on this link, you know why.

From side work to paperwork

I think I had been a server for like a week when I first started to hate the human race. I felt like everyone was dumb.

NO, I can’t make your drink stronger without charging you for a double.

NO, I can’t give you a military discount on your alcohol, and

NO I can’t add extra chicken to your nachos for free.

Like, what is wrong with people? Don’t they understand how things work? I really believe that everyone should be a server at some point in their lives. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve called my family and friends out for being “those people” at a restaurant. Like, “No, mom, we can’t sit at a booth, there are eight of us.”

Anyway, that’s not what this is about. It’s about finally transitioning to a day job. No, not a “real job.” Because serving and bar tending are real jobs. They make real money and pay real bills. Just had to throw that in there.

Here are some of the major differences between my day job and serving.

  1. My bedtime. Right now, on a weekday, I’m in bed before 11pm. If I’m not, I’m gonna be late to work the next day. As a server, I’m just getting off work at 11pm. I’m then gonna follow my coworkers, who also just clocked out, to the nearest bar with Monday-Thursday night specials. I’ll crawl into bed around 2 or 3am and probably sleep until my next shift.
  2. Paychecks. I have to wait TWO WHOLE WEEKS for my paychecks now. What’s that about? It’s 2015! As a server I’m walking out with cash every night. And if I’m kinda broke because I spent it all at the bar last night, I’ll just pick up an extra shift this week. I can’t pick up shifts at my day job.
  3. Uniforms. I love wearing heels. Some people don’t. But I get to wear heels and dresses and slacks to work everyday and I love it. It beats ugly nonslip shoes and dirty aprons any day.
  4. Side work. Boy, do I hate side work. For those of you who aren’t aware, side work consists of a list of daily responsibilities assigned to each server. It’s anything from getting buckets of ice to rolling silverware to sweeping your table section. Usually the manager is gonna throw something really annoying at you, like scrubbing light fixtures. Funny story. My first week at my day job, one of the VP’s came into my department and asked if I would help him tear wallpaper off the bathroom wall. I stood up and started to walk towards the bathroom and he laughed. “She was gonna do it!” It was funny because it wasn’t my job. Of course I was gonna do it. I’ve been doing cleaning projects that weren’t my job since I started serving.
  5. Coworkers. Now, I’m not saying I prefer either set of my coworkers. They are completely different types of people. Servers and bartenders are cynical and funny. Most cuss and drink a lot, while complaining about the people they had to deal with that day. My daytime coworkers talk about books and their dogs. They get excited about new kitchen appliances. I’m about halfway. I like to talk about books and movies, while cussing and drinking.

Serving sucked. I hate cleaning and smelling like FullSizeRendergrease. But I met a lot of really great people. People who I’ll probably stay friends with for a very long time. Serving also taught me a lot. I learned to always tip 20% (unless your server hit you, or something) and be polite. I learned not to date coworkers (which is ridiculously common in this industry). And man, did I learn to have some patience. I can smile and have a conversation with someone who I am actually stabbing in my mind, it’s great.